They usually require you to get a ride home here in Mass. unless you are being discharged after a minor outpatient stay, and even then, it's a fight.

I think I can understand some of the more morbid feelings (like the fascination with the particulars of the surgery, or passing away without awareness) you are having right now. I think our minds come up with these things as ways to cope.

But I can only imagine some of the other feelings you are having right now...
You have been through so much, and this is a major surgery, your anxiety must be wreaking havoc on you

Try not to entertain too many deep and painful thoughts about the past if you can at all help it
Those thoughts will only serve to pain and confuse you more right now