It was always my right side
Something is not right
The left of my entire neck into my skull
The only headache
My blood pressure 165/102 with a pulse of 112
I am taking my meds as prescribed
No changes
But did hurt myself about a week and a half now
Stretching with my right arm
Wiping the tile wall around the stove especially
Having OCD does not help any
On my left side when reaching to wipe
A shooting pain that began from the base of my left shoulder
Up into my skull
I want to say the feeling was like an electrical shooting bang
Quick and fast
Stopped me in everyway
Trying to nurse it for a week and a half now it is very sore
It has affected my left shoulder and left arm
Life has become progressively harder
My hands turning black and blue after shooting pain in the hands and feet pictures I have for the doctors
Having a new progressive problem
Aortic calcification of my abdomen and a diagnosis of scleroderma
that has now affected my lungs my heart is scary and saddens me having to turn this over
I pray for a miracle
To know the future is bleak in reguards to have to do things myself
And the kind of help I will need
As my spine continues to rot on so many levels
And two neurosurgeon recommendations
The entire spine has just to many things going on
This after first cervical two level fusion failed
Then the second surgery to fix it was botched
May that surgeon never forget me as he takes a knife to another
To be told you will be in a wheelchair down the road is becoming more of a true reality
I have had to accept much in my life
However
My failing body no fault other than genetic letdown
I tell my babies to be careful with their bodies
As a young very strong mother
Having much strength has caught up
Damage done cannot go back and do things differently
Someone at the age of seven
In this country at five
At my fathers side going through the steel trash cans
searching for bottles cans anything that might explode
supers for a 32 family building
Burned the garbage for years in a incinerator
The remaining bottles and cans me and my middle sister
with a wheel barrel took the steel cans to the curb
This three times a week
We made games up as we wheeled each other back into the enormous cellar
Jeez
The buckets of water in old school industrial buckets to mop the four floors
And then the cellar
Fun it was
The product Spic and Span a famous product when I was a child
blows me away
And I never stopped
Things changed as a garbage compactor replaced the incinerator was just as hard if not harder
After living 10 years
My parents purchased their first home
Memories
Just memories now
But I always worked hard alone side my immigrant parents
Tenants were highly impressed how the grounds were kept
OCD NOT JUST I afflicted
But a father that ruled with an iron fist
In his eyes he treated me like the songs never had
Even as a child
I took on much
Made me who I am today
A mother who feared him
Yet never took us out of the situation
She fatally attracted to him
That a memory
But real
So much damage to this body has taken over
Nothing I can do about it
A have a wonderful pulmonary specialist and me general practitioner my first visit he spent two hours with me
You read right two hours
I very much prapared with my records was very interested in my status did not dismiss me or my concerns explained to him I am so tired of going to doctors that do not go to the root the host of the ailment
All the nerves in my spine
That order y body to do what we take for granted is diseased and crushed
Then the additional problems
Just not cool
Not to feel pain of any kind
Is just the way it is
To say I was not careful cleaning the kitchen walls would be a lie
Careful s anyone could be
My body just cannot do it anymore
NOT ANYMORE
bummer I'm only 55
Life ceased at 49
Then my changes
The the cancer and the pill that stopped my estrogen release
Our feel good hormone gone whe I started tamoxifen
Two more years to go
What will happen whenit is time to stop the medication
Will my mind begin to feel good
Stripped of so much in such a short time
And dealing with life
on life terms
And turning my will over is something I pray for every single day
And all the other stuff coming from all sides
I don't want to FEEL
nobody to see the insides as things progress because it is internal pain
My body on the outside does not bleed
Invisible except formy hands and feet
I don't want to think about the future
I am scared even leaning on Heavenly Father

Well I got som stuff out
I am rotting away
And I cannot see a happy future
But I pray for a miracle
And I won't let go of my Heavenly Fathers hand
after doing all I can I won't let go
Through Jesus Christ I pray for relief
And just do
Do what was once an easy task
Now taken away scared

So where do I go from here
You have me wake Heavenly Father
I won't let you down
I have come this far
Not to turn back
I don't want to feel many things
Yet
IT IS WHAT IT IS
and I have to get over it
Love
Me