Having come a long long way slowly in life
Especially the last few years
I have come to learn much about who I am and what
kind of a person I am
I have had many things happen not in my control
and have had to acquire the power I was given by my maker
It is a difficult thing to see others have their opinions
much of it that makes no sense
I have come far and know who I am today
Sad I get when having to see yet another doctor
And here too I have the choice to just not go there
Not so easy
In todays world it is difficult to find a doctor that would it seem like the time of day
Having found a doctor who sat with me for two hours
and take my case seriously and is interested in helping me with all that has taken away my quality of life a relief
It does not feel good having to let things roll of my back
As my back carried many of them throughout my lifetime
Even in places I never thaught I needed to
But have
My struggles only I and my maker know
The ones that really matter

Depression a part of my life
As my body does not produce the feel good hormone
Estrogen
stopped by my cancer drug tamoxifen
and add to that environmently depression
something I do have control of
Having to let go of my own flesh and blood
hurts me like no other kind of hurt
But it is something I must do
Want to be in my Heavenly Fathers arms as I look at the future and wonder how the heck am I going to make it
It is very scary
I have come to see who really call themselves my friends
Rather then lift me I am pushed down and I refuse to allow any of that kind of behavior to happen in my life today
I want to live the rest of my waking days happy
I am responsible for my own happiness
Not anybody else
It isn't easy to let go
However when letting go and letting God
Infact it has been my practice every single day
Having to truly let go is the only true serenity I will ever get
Is am responsible for many things in my life
Trying to walk in the path of Jesus Crist has been my comfort
Try not to complain
And am not afraid to keep it real
No I do not sugar coat Any of things that have happened to me in my lifetime
Stripped of much at a early age
And a mother who just won't own up to it
IS ON HER NOT ME
I can put my head on my pillow and not have any ill feeling that I hurt someone
that has never been who I am
I actually had to back down as I think many try to suck me dry and it is my enabling and not even see how far I must go to protect myself from others harm
There is this child inside who has been trying to heal her soul as she is connected to me
A part of me
That child is angry over many horrible things
And now a mother myself
Understanding what it takes to be the best mom I could possibly be to them
is all I can do
and hope they to see that this family lacks much of what it takes to heal
We
a one unit when together
This has hurt us on many levels
having to let go
And pray they get well
My son now in therapy
relieved I am
May he find himself and happiness
My daughter complacent as I am care taker of my grandchild
A great grandmother I have become
It is the hardest thing to watch your child hurt themselves
Truly hurt themselves so they don't have to FEEL
Feelings some say
They are just feelings
Important they are if not resolved
These feelings I experience come in waves
They do not go away until I address it
As it resurfaces over and over again
When the feelings occupy my brain to long it begins to take on in a physical way
Add to that CRONIC PAIN and then you find yourself in a very scary state
Suicide close in this family
My father at the age of forty seven leaving behind a family he destroyed as that little child who only wanted to please
Got crushed and put down and never good enough
I was a great daughter
A awesome sister
Blessed to become a mother of four
I could not relate to the mothers who forget they have children
I WILL NEVER GET IT
and when I practice a term I use just to give an idea of what I must do (be a little SELFISH not hurting anybody doing it)
is the only way I can take care of me
Putting everyone AND everything else first but myself
Now having a disruptive neighbor and not standing for it
will be the end of it
Having a difficult time getting sound sleep
And not respect her fellow tenants
Is on the agenda today
And addict and alcoholic roaming the halls knocking on doors and looking for drugs will stop at my door
Never a dull moment in this persons life
Having to rearrange my buttons so they cannot be pushed
a job it is
I have my daughter who lives with me and my grandchild both who need me
Try to the best of my ability to be the best role model possible be
Crouching down at the level of my grandchild showing her how to handle and problem solve and not get angry or frustrated calmly a change for certain in me
Being a young mother divorced at twenty four forced to return to work and never stopped until I became ill
the terrible surgical outcome and add to that breast cancer having made the decision to remove them finding my lump early and for that surgery to be a botched
was more than I could stand
To not have the help I need
But have learned to let it go
To have my lover care enough to ask
am I hurting you gives me hope in the thought that there is only one man ONE I have known since fourth grade be that concerned not is something I am not used to
Feelings I took with me throughout my entire life was healed
How
Someone was concerned if I was being hurt in anyway
A beautiful feeling when I was asked
And because of the gentle care and thought of my well being allowed me to look at another man and have hope they are as kind and gentle to their loved ones
Not to hurt someone else because one cannot handle it
I had to walk away many time
Only to return to it at the appropriate time and heal those feelings
Never to allow another to steal YOUR power away
Or not ever give your Power away
Something I have learned to do
Difficult it is if one cares about another
I like who I have become
Sad I may be as my body has been depleted of so much including my natural feel good hormone gone
I am sure my children can see this
as they to begin to heal themselves
Something I cannot do for them
Just be there when they need me
Just for now I must distance myself
The so called friends none I can say are truthful
Having to let go of them wasn't difficult but did hurt
and that hurt healed as I hold tight to what is important
Fighting depression not an easy thing to do
but am trying day by day slowly I heal my soul
My physical state I ask my maker to grant me a miracle
or ease my pain as my days in this weather hinders me
the only thing left to help this body
The water the pool
This year the first time unable to do it
I need not push my body when I cannot do
At the end of the day I pray I have done good in the eyes of
Heavenly Fathers eyes
My heart I am responsible for
No more crushing it
No more squeezing everything I have to offer
I will take care of Me first and pray for the others
Selfish it may sound
But I need serenity to be constant
It is my life
I want to live it happy
Wishing the same for others who relate
Me