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Joselita · 07-10-2007, 12:12 AM

Angie,
my son had left the computer on...and I came over to turn it off, but kinda did a quick "sweep" though here first. I clicked on your post (don't know why...as I am not Artist lol, but she is one of my favorite folks around here [unless she gets in a nit about things, that is! ROFL. (((Hugs Artist!))))], and I am just nosey, I guess ). Anyway..I am glad that I did.

I have to totally agree with previous posters that told you that the stress of all that you have going on right now is..how did they say it? "Like putting gasoline on RSD"..or something close to that. That is EXACTLY right. However, I do know that telling you to not be stressed out is...well...kinda a waste of words because the things that you have going on ARE stressful, and you WILL BE Stressed out. ANYONE would.

So...I will try to offer some advice, OK? You can ask the "oldies" around here, I am famous for tossing in my advice from time to time. Usually in long posts. LOL. *sigh..oh well...cant seem to help that, but I will try.

From what I read here, you are in a pretty awful situation right now. Hard as it is, you are going to have to make some pretty rough choices. First and foremost is if you are going to leave your husband permanently, or if you are going to go back. My advice about that (and I DO Understand that it is easier given then it is done) is that you should really, really, seriously think about NOT doing that. If he is now going to show that he is capable of violence (and...it does NOT matter if he never did this before....once is just as bad as every day of the week), then he is not a person that you can afford to be around. If he is going to be stealing your meds...you can't afford to be around that either. Neither can your kids. While those meds are PRESCRIBED to you by your doc to take, your husband is taking them illegally. Kids don't need to be living with that kind of behavior. They certainly don't need to be living in a violent environment either. Sons learn to abuse by watching how their dads act, and girls learn to be, and worse, to ACCEPT being abused by watching their mothers take it (and visa versa, since there are abusive women in the world too). You don't want them to think that any of that business that has been going on is in any way "Normal" or how things are "supposed to be".

But, I am sure that you already know that, and that I am not saying anything there that you haven't already thought about.

You most certainly can't afford to be in that environment, either. The abuse should be a deal breaker. The stealing of the meds.....if nothing else was going on, and this was the first time, AND he was willing (and REALLY willing, not just saying so to get you back home again) to go into treatment for addiction (You don't steal meds unless you have an addiction problem)...then maybe that could be something that could be gotten over. But..the two added together? NO WAY. Even just the abuse is bad enough. The fact that he went for your very painful RSD afflicted parts....well....what else needs to be said?

Now..like I said, I DO Understand that it is much easier for me to sit here and type this stuff, than it is to actually be faced in having to choose to do it. I know, because I have been there before myself. Luckily (if anything about that situation can be said to be "lucky"), my abusive relationship happened BEFORE RSD was an issue for me. But, abuse is abuse, is abuse is abuse. And, it went on in my marriage. My ex also has dependance/addiction problems. He used to just drink. Now he does "other stuff" too. Or, he was last time that I heard anything about him.

I am only telling you this, to let you know that I DO Know the hard decisions that you are faced with. I had two little kids when I left my husband. Meghan was 3 and Jay was 2 (She is almost 20 now, and Jay is 18) when we left. I had a part time job that made NO Money. I had no marketable skills (I was 17 when I got pg Meghan and married my x. I had only a high school diploma..still only have that, since I haven't managed to take more than about a year and a half of college courses...a thing that I am going to remedy SOON), and was only 22 at the time. I was scared, overwhelmed, and didn't know how I was going to make enough money for the kids and I to survive on.

There are a few things to do ASAP if you decide to not return to your husband. First....go to Legal Aid in your town, and see if you can get free of reduced cost legal help. You can also check at any University Law Schools in your area, and see if they offer help, too. This is where I got my legal help. In some Law Schools, they need for their students that are getting ready to be done, to have some actual experience in dealing with legal matters. The students (or one particular...I had 3, but that was over a period of years...long story that I won't get into right now) will listen to you, take notes, and possibly offer some advice. They THEN will go to their Professor Lawyer that is over the program to get MORE adivce...and then give that to you next time you talk. In ANY Court proceedings, it is the LAWYER that will be there with you, handling everything, while the student is there to watch and learn and assist.

Whichever you find...get on any waiting list that they might have ASAP. When you get in to talk to a lawyer, ask them about filing a Temporary Child Custody Order, and an Temporary Child Support Order. These two things will help you greatly. The Temp Custody Order because while you are still married, he legally has the same right to the children that you do...until a court says otherwise. The Temp order is the court saying otherwise, temporarily, until a final judgement is handed down. The Temp Child Support is to help you be able to take care of the kids, and not have to worry so much about only having that bag of coins that you left with to live on. If he violates it, he is in contempt just the same as if he were violating a final judgement for support. Here, that is worth 1-5 days in jail per count (times he was supposed to pay, and didn't), and a 0-$500 fine per count too.

There is also a Temporary Oder there can get YOU in the house, if you have the temp custody of the kids, and need a place to live. There might be other temp orders available ...this is something that you need to check on, if you choose to stay apart from him. These types of things might be available to you if you file for a Legal Separation...I don't know, as I didn't go that route.

You can also look into Subsidized Housing. You should qualify for that. The thing with that is the waiting lists. If this sounds like a good option for you, get on one (or MANY...that is what I did) ASAP. If your circumstances have changed when the call you to tell you they have something available, you can just thank them and tell them that you don't require that help at this time, and they will move on to the next person on the list. No problem. If you don't have anywhere to stay (I mean, like an apartment of your own, and such), and you know you CAN'T stay with friends or relatives but for a short period of time, you go higher on the waiting list. The ones they get to quickest are the ones that are homeless with kids.

I don't know what can be done about your lost meds. Do you have a Narcotics Contract with your doc? If you do, it should spell out in there how he handles situations in which your meds were stolen. I am pretty sure that you would need to file a police report about the theft, if you wanted to have a chance of having him replace your lost meds. Docs know that these things DO happen...and lots have some sort of practice to help handle them. Some do not. They have to have protection, because there are people who would just say that their meds were stolen when they weren't (because they had taken them all too soon), so that is why there usually is the thing about the police report there. Whatever you choose to do (go back to your husband, or stay away) your doc DOES need to know what has happened about your meds. If he pops a pee test on you, and you don't have the meds prescribed (usually they are looking for the pain meds) in your system....and you don't tell him WHY...well...he could, at worst stop treating you. At least be forever (or for a long time) suspicious of you. It sucks...but that is how it seems these things usually go.

I am so sorry that all of this has happened, and that you are in this situation and facing making the choices that you are. I do understand, and my heart goes out to you. You have to do what is best for you and your kids, what ever you think that is. I myself, left my husband twice before I left him for good....so you will get no judgements here from me, no matter what you choose. But, I will tell you this as someone who has walked somewhat in your shoes; once someone starts to hit and abusively lay hands on you, the WILL do it again. No if's and's or but's about it. It might happen tomorrow, or next month, or 6 months to a year, or even 6 years from now, but it WILL happen again. And again, and again...and it WILL start to happen more frequently. I am sure that he will say "no, baby! I am so sorry! I don't know what came over me....you just shouldn't have said what you said, or done what you did. But..I PROMISE it won't happen again! I LOVE YOU!!"....but it will. Don't fool yourself about that. I don't know if this is a one time thing so far for you, or if this is something that you have had to deal with in the past.....so I just wanted to be sure to tell you what I had to figure out for myself; that it isn't ever just a "one time thing". And that scares me for you. But...I will respect your decision, whatever it is...and I will be here if you need someone to talk to.

Ok. This got long again...and I am sorry for that. I hope that you feel a bit better tomorrow, and that you pain starts to clam down at least a little. I know you have a lot of things to think about.

Jose

PS...about your folks? I think that they might be telling you to go back home, because they are worried for you....and about all kinds of things. If you choose to NOT go back, but you have gotten the ball rolling on ways to get things set up (like the support and what not), they might feel better about the situtaion, and not put so much pressure on you to go back. If that makes sense? I know how hard it can be, when you have to think about such things and make such hard decisions, and have the people around you telling you 14 different things, and you FOLKS telling you something that you might not be thinking is the best thing. Try to think through this as best you can, and make whatever decision that you make because you are SURE that it is what is best for you AND the kids..Ok? I know that's hard right now. I wish I could help more.