It's been a horrid weekend, particularly today. 5th anniversary of my beloved father passing, I wanted to go to the graveyard yesterday but DB was unapproachable. We went this morning after he worked hard on causing an argument, I refused to engage in it. On the way back he told me I'm irresponsible, if I'm injured he has to do everything. Hahaha no chance; nothing would get done, I'm injured already and he doesn't do anything! He is just being a mean and cranky plonker.

I wonder how he would react if I said his his playing soccer is irresponsible, he keeps injuring his legs & has on 3 occasions been unable to attend work due to it; while I can carry on working without leg use, he cannot. Or I could remind him I'm not supposed to be working at all, even though part time it is still against my PM recommendation.

All is not well in the house, I feel like he is working hard on an angle to justify why he needs to break sobriety so just now I've removed myself, shut the door and taken pain relief. Tomorrow will be another day. Why is it in a drunken stupor they are mean and in sobriety meaner still. Today according to him I'm a narcissist. I love you to darling I thought!

For the 1st time, on the way back from the cemetery I seriously contemplated the thought of leaving. I'm not going to live like this forever, I'm not a doormat, never have been, never will be. DB has forgotten just how strong I can be. Best he not awaken the me who has taken recovery resentment, accepted it and swallowed it whole, it causes nothing but pain and unhappiness, but if he continues in this vein it will come out.

DB sister lasted less than 6 months sober, she told me her reason for taking it up again was the ex son in law failed to provide a photo of the granddaughter at her Deb ball. I guess any reason can be justified, if you want it, accept you want it but please don't try and delude me with some bullcrap explanation. I'd far rather the truth, you were overwhelmed, it happens, it's a lapse, you can regain the ground you lost if you want. She's not regained, is back on it just as bad if not worse. Sad, very sad. Think DB wishes it was him. Has spoken non stop about alcohol, parties, out with the boys and how lazy & selfish I am.

I'm struggling hard this week, not sure when things will improve, say a prayer for us both please xx