Living a modern life is much harder than I thought.

Some days I cruise through thinking I have mastered it, and other days I am the hypersensitive male my cyber friend once described.

Life at present is a deffinate struggle...I try to remain positive and. Then ....a word, a look, a gesture, a sentence, a/statement, a ....momentary pause of no interaction what so ever.

Believe me I try every bloody day to say this chaos in my head will get better.....I tell others daily that life is an opportunity take it . Why do I stumble with my own advice

Recently my thoughts are utter ****.......my mum is dying of dementia....I wish it would end

I dream of breaking limbs..so I can take time off to re assemble my thoughts and deal with current life

I day dream of divorce to rid myself of responsibility to others, yet dream nightmares of separation and cry hysterically in my sleep...recently experiencing sleep paralysis three times in six weeks...( which is a living nightmare)

I love my children without hesitation..but cannot express my feelings, instead display complete seperation

Five years of mood stabalising medication...destroyed me..I'm a shell of my former manic self

I am numb of happiness and void of excitement....I don't want to end my life, but I more than often wish I did not wake, or lightining did strike...

I have no friends. (Bar my dear wife). I am alone evey day.....feeling sorry for myself (people might say, pull yourself together.......) every bloody day


I daily put up with people talking over me, round me, through me....its like I'm not there

The only plus is the public send thanks to my employer for my interaction with them.....but to them iI,my still invisible, and their ambivilance makes me more withdrawn and silent.

I have endured more change in seven years to last a lifetime..

.I morph endlessly ......to mould into other peoples expectations....for what?.........


I just wanted to get this out...and vent my thoughts....


.tomorrow I try again..............
David