This is how I feel this very moment
I have such a hole on my heart
What heart
It's shriveled up into nothing but trouble
My health is going downhill so fast
I just wonder when will my last breath be
How much longer
Sadness is always standing by to jump in
To have to work at being happy sometime in my day is work
Happiness is work
I am stagnant in everyway possible
But my mind
This mind of mine just won't quit
Constantly talking myself into a better space
Looking for love
I know my Heavenly Father is with me at all times
And he be my true Love
He loves me
This much I know
I am so so unhappy on a level that has zero to do with my family
Just life in general
Look at our world we call earth
So much HATE
Where is the LOVE
just a snippet of it please
Only you k ow Heavenly Father what is wrong with me
Only YOU
every single day I try my best to be upbeat
But I get beaten down
No job no love no life to share with another
Nobody to hold me and tell me
It will be okay Eva
I'm here for you
Don't worry
I haven't had this EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
Under the age of five I was alone
Having to take care of everyone else and me
Only now I need help
I'm so scared
Frightened about how if I should breath another ten years
What it will be like
And then I think of a friend of mine who said one day
Eva don't worry about what the future holds till you get to your destination
Stay in the moment
The moment is bleek and sad
I have a nut who is taking away any little sound sleep I can get in away and have to call the police
Really this is my life
Really
I HATE this doomed feeling
Try so hard to start my day over and over and over
I look forward to the night so I can close my eyes and just drift off only to be awakened by a nut
I will not ever take my life
Had that happen in already in my family
Father checked out at forty seven
My feel good hormone gone
Can't have a drink to numb me
I remember how the first three drinks made me feel
It was a good feeling
A really good feeling
Because I began to let things go and not bother me
That's what it did takes it away
I HATE being a slave to my F medicines
The F doctors half don't know what they are even doing
Just give me the money
I am young
And my health gone
All the children and persons living with physical adversities I can't even imagine
All I know
This isn't a way to live
This isn't life
What happened to me
What the F happened to me
Just waiting for that last breath
Sad
So very sad
Me