I know you get it Andy
Nothing has changed since last here
This will pass
But I just had a breakdown
Having my granddaughter
Awake me to help her with her stuffy nose
brought resentments I don't know if I have any business having
She's my grandchild and her mother nowhere to be found in making it better so they could be together
And I know that will be a very slim chance at the rate she is going
Even if she did get her act together got a place for her and her daughter
Eva made it clear not to long ago
She doesn't ever want to leave
So part time it would be

Or is it because I'm not super mom anymore
That's what they called me
The super is gone
You get it Andy
Wanting to work be a part of something rewarding
My kids say to me
You did the most important job ever
Raising my four children
And have children not mine who remember me
I did my very best
This I know to be true
But to have a place where you engage in adult company
Doing something you love
And I always worked jobs that worked around raising them
and a awesome employee I was complemented many times
Not to have that special someone to rub my back when it hurts
My feet hands
To be held close and for the words to hear
Don't worry
Everything will be okay
I'm here
My dog is getting so old
Seeing him just put me in a terrible funk
If I remember correctly you too have a furry companion
I love him so much it hurts
And to see him getting old
Reminds me of my life
His little paws are all mangled like arthritis kicked in
his back legs
They don't operate the way they did when he was younger
he a Australian silky terrier sat in my arms for over an hour
licking my face dry as my salty tears stream down my cheeks
I don't know
It just that feeling one gets in their gut
a physical manifestation
And it s.u.c.k.s big time
It's a terrible mind ****

Then our country
The world
And no one to hold me and tell me
It's gonna be alright
To not worry how i will do it
if it is getting so bad
It's just so scary when I let my mind go into overdrive
I worry about everything and everyone at my own expense
I have to talk to myself and tell myself to knock it off
This to myself

Yeah I'm on that potty
Kicking myself

But I tell myself
To awake
Or be awakened by pain
And have a nut who cannot control herself
my neighbor above me
I don't know
In a funk for certain
May it be the weather changing
Or the lack of hormones
Who knows
And I wonder
When that last breath will come
The most precious thing one has until something goes wrong
with ones health
understands
Without it everything is so much harder
I so respect persons who trump their disibility they are born with
But to have been healthy and it taken away
I'm embarrassed to think this way
To be born in a debilitating way and just push through it
Makes me feel so small
ashamed
I cry very much in secret
I know Heavenly Father knows all
Including how I feel
Who am I to question
He hung from the cross for me and the world
I want to give of myself
And do not have the ability to contribute as I have
You understand
I know you feel my words
Should I wake
I just want to FEEL the happiness
Though
At the end of the day
I must submit it all over to him
Truly surrender for it to count
Why I feel like this
I don't know
To know there are a few who get it
Is the reason I let loose
It's so overwhelming I just want to scream till I loose my voice
Thanks Andy
Thank you
Be well
Me