Quote:
Originally Posted by OhKay
Wanting to die vs. wanting to take your own life are very different things (I've walked down both paths). It's very common for people to wish for death during times of extreme stress, and you have been through so much my friend 
I became disabled from MS at 28, and I feel the same guilt that you do that I'm unable to overcome my handicaps like others can. I want to return to work so badly, but can't. I miss interacting with other people… I am very isolated. I'm married, but there are difficulties, and I often still feel alone.
Prior to my disability, I spent my life taking care of others. I understand your occasional feelings of resentment over taking care of your granddaughter. I used to get that way from time to time when caring for my mother. It's a natural response because life is just expecting too much of you
I understand a life with constant pain, although I have chosen not to take pain meds. I think you likely suffer more than I do, and I know it's difficult for you to have to take pain meds with your history of alcoholism.
None of these things are easy, they are just a couple of the issues that you are facing, and I know that your past still follows you
I wish that the burdens you carry were lighter, and that your physical and emotional pain would go away
I am so proud of you for making your sobriety a priority despite all the challenges you face, and I am happy that you find comfort in your faith in God |
Spoken to my heart
It is with much sadness I
I write such horrible stuff
Your response hit every note
You are right
And I just have to keep on trucking
So sorry you have times you too feel alone
Or is it lonly
I have a good heart
One that gone through the ringer
To have someone turn away for whatever reason they may come up with saddens me
Really
I think that is worse
I have been alone by choice
Maybe a little to cautious on my part
Couldn't imagine another person coming into my children's lives
Having a dad like I did
I could and would have killed for my babies
And I have
Any disabling problem
We share the feeling that drape over us
You are kind
And understand my soberiety
It is the one constant in my life
And you notice that
My family on the other hand seem to have forgotten
it would be so much easier with a drink
But that would just make me numb out of control
because that's what happens easier
But instead I have
Thank you for seeing it
Made the choice every single day not to pick up
Because I was a functioning alcoholic
Actually it was at the end of my waitress career my drinking got out of control
At my job
My night cap
Before I went home
Thank God I haven't physically harmed my babies
I did a number on their psyche
Still in healing mode
Made good on my promise
I will never kill myself
Nor pick up a drink
I am not a pill person
In fact I get so sick
It too a long time to find something that helped
Guess what drug that is
The worse ever
OxyContin I take two a day 60mg tablets
One at 6:30 in morning with the other bunch
And again at night by 7:00P.M.
In the morning in addition I take a 5mg oxycodone fast acting
I take it with a hot cup of coffee
Hoping for it to get into my blood stream to my brain and block it
The nausea is constant
Have some help with holistic remedy just became legal
But cannot afford it
Not much needed
But a god send
Zofran a anti nausea prescribed
Zero affect
Until an I found something that works
And has been around never to have killed anyone
Can impair but never die from
Actually being taken very seriously
Can be a gateway make no mistake
For those who aren't addicts of any form
As there are many forms
I can be a gateway
Experience
So yup
It s.u.c.k.s.
How quick doctors push pills
All my doctors know of my recovery
Especially my pain specialist I have been with him
from the very beginning
Watched my Corissa go from early grammer school into a young woman
He drives my train
In addition to him
My oncologist
Pulmonary and PCP
OBGYN
Eye due
Teeth due
Doing everything to stay alive
And take care of me
I have to take care of ME
tired I guess
My halter goes on Wednesday
Rather then today
Oncologist is a few blocks away changed appointment
To Wednesday
So will do that
So sick of doctors
And I will need a cardiologist
Had one for about seven years
I'm just going on
Fired him because of staff
And another doctor my shrink of seven years
Twice
He had a hard time letting him go
He was a pill pusher
Why I say this
When I found out about my mutation
And that I needed a script for the product called Deplin
I take the top dose 15mg
It's what I will refer to as a mega vitamin
And having been out on soooooo many antidepressants
and refused to give insurance company a profile of my history with the meds he prescribed
None ever working in fact put me into a very bad place
That dark place
And then the withdrawals
So when he challenged my desire to start Deplin
And how not having it in my system any and all antidepressants will NOT work
Fired
There are the two oaths you speak of having walked both myself
You are right
And you listened
And you hit it right on
Andy understanding
Wanting to be a part of the world
I think to myself
How many times I want to read to children
Or help and elderly by cooking for them and storing some in their freezer
I did this and still do when I can
May it be soup
Pasta sauce
You get the picture
Called the school informing them of Eva's cold and fever
Not time yet contagious
As it has begun to hit me late last night
My throat not that bad now
Neighbor was quiet after 11:00
Anyhow
So comforting
To have some who care enough to hold me up
Who have followed my life story
And have some who relate
You help me understand something
And I'm so sorry you are treated differently too by the ones who say they love UNCONDITIONALLY
How much more painful it must be to have that one you could hear them words
Don't worry
I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
You can count in me
To have taken the vows
Two become one
You have made me see things just a bit differently
that is a big deal when having that other I speak of having
It must feel absolutely terrible
Terrible
Do I say thank you for that
No
I'm sorry YOU are going through that
And thank you for sharing it
Hanging on with my faith
And believing
Heavenly Father
Will see to it
All
Thank you for the love
Thank you
My eldest baby now thirty five
Also disabled with horrible seizures
We went through so much she was twenty two when she had her first seizure
Blind in right eye
After removal of occipital lobe
It's the right eye
That was suppose to be the trade off
Wasn't a successful
High hopes
One day we will all be happy
She has her high school sweetheart
Married at times he too forgets
So thank you for helping look at something differently
And will pray your partner will find their way back into your life
with a better understanding
All that has happened was out of our control
Feel my hug
Love
Mr