[QUOTE=moondaughter;1231474]
Quote:
Originally Posted by moondaughter
This idea haunts me to the core...suicide/resignation is subconscious as well as conscious choice... parkinsons is such a perverse contradiction ...existing in the fight/flight mode(till death do you part) but needing to surrender ones own concepts of safety tofind new ways of accessing the very juice/ the vital force that sustains life"
...... a perpetual crisis of faith...maybe thats why "the cure" for pd seemsso elusive yet possible (and a rational explanation for susceptibilityy to placebo effect)l and imppossible at once ...it is an exercise taking me between resignation (my body) and surrender (heart and mind)-every day.
what gives you hope? science? drugs? for me its ~love..that is my religion but love demands risk (and discipline) sometimes....thats the hard part when what is at stake is ones own safety....
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Hi Moondaughter,
I'm grateful to you for sharing such personal thoughts. Over the last 7 yrs, on three occasions I'v had, whilst sat endlessly awake, in the dark, as my family slept, what I call my 'dark eureka' moments.
I liken it to trying for hours to solve an algebra equation, then suddenly the answer's there ! 2x.... the sense of relief, peace and a feeling that you knew the answer all long is immense.
Only the question isn't algebra, it's how to end the suffering and the answer is not to be here any more.
But I'm aware of what is happening, luckily and I shuffle to my wife and children's rooms and watch them sleeping. That simple act infuses me with such love that I know I can take it and I will win. And with my final breath I'll smile and whisper " see Mr P, you couldn't break me !"
Somebody once told me don't let it define you.... For me this is counter productive, acceptance works better for me. "yes I'v got Parkinson's,I'll give nor expect any quarter"
The 'only' definite, 100% correlation I'v found between being well and not isn't
the amount, timing or type of dopamine replacing meds I'm taking it's how my mental state is. And yes I'v considered correct drugs=better mood=less parki
and my conclusion is better mood=less parki irrespective of the drugs..
When I first came to this forum I was just starting a program of increases under the care of a Parki specialist. Im now on double the amount of agonist and 150mg stalevo 4x daily and feel no real difference ! The reason is because Im living under the constant threat of my wife's cancer returning (told it will )
and the threat of bankrupt..
I mention this because placebo's,exercise and sleep all have a positive effect on mood via the other neurotransmitters..... again suggesting we should be looking beyond dopamine, after all 60y since levodopa and nothing better...
IT DON'T MEAN NOWT
When dark tragedies bring you down,
and black clouds turn sunlight into shade.
When expression is reduced to a frown,
and your zest for life begins to fade.
When you question “for what reason “.
and then wonder what it's all for.
When winter becomes your season
and you just can't take any more.
Imagine a list of all that has you cowed,
turn it to ash and let it to heaven float,
smile at the world and then say aloud,
“you know what, it don't mean nowt”.