400 days sober, 538 since a bender. Interestingly it is the days sober DB is interested in now. I doubt I will rarely refer to the bender any longer, whereas before that's what mattered to him. There have been many ups and downs on this journey and all are written from my observation/ perspective. DB is aware I write and doesn't seem to mind, has even been known to ask have others encountered what he encounters. So in all, I'm glad I started this journal of sorts.

It is hard for the partner of an alcoholic, there is little help out there and what there is most often always falls back on "just leave". I still have no doubt I have made the right decision, in a way, I have left, I've left the old me behind. Perhaps if I wasn't ill myself and wanted to continue to live a life of partying I would have found it harder, but my partying days had begun to wind back before the alcohol truly gripped DB. I think probably around 2010. Were I to give tips to anyone I would say if you can't be prepared to change all that you did together previously, it will be difficult. Be prepared to check your own bitterness and resentment at the door, they are triggers your loved one looks for. Recovery resentment is real, all the focus is on the alcoholic, as the partner your needs fade into the background and no one really remembers to check how you are doing. You need to be strong, resilient and committed. I gave up alcohol at the same time as DB.

Don't get me wrong, I drank when out with DB but not excessively, except the bender I refer to in 2015 - I for sure was not sober over the 4 days and I can still remember all that happened whereas DB cannot recall much. It's a shame because we had a good weekend - we flew to Melbourne on the Friday for the AFL footy and then to Adelaide Sunday morning to watch Liverpool Monday night & home Tuesday morning. The Liverpool game being the dream reason why we went, and I only tagged on the AFL in the last week to watch our AFL team (we won). The Liverpool game was a snore fest, totally boring and DB left half way thru for the bar, I will always be grateful it was a late evening game and by the time the game finished all the bars on the way to the hotel were closed as he was falling down drunk. I had to find him in the crowd of 40,000 I got to him & DB saying to the police (yes he has a way of finding them every time) my wife will find me, she's like a homing pigeon. I dont miss any of those days really. Of course that's also the week DB crashed, by the Thursday I had him at the GP and Friday he was in hospital. (I think the fright he got is lessening though)

I'm sad this journey seems to always be about the negatives, there are positives, many of them, last but not least he is alive. I will endeavour to find some positives each time I write from now on. (No promises) the new DDDog is settling in, he is a gentle soul and has bonded with DB already. He must have been well loved in his former home. DB saw his psych this week and has made an appt for next month. Is aware he needs to start up his mindfulness again, the funk that was descending again seems to have been halted mid way.