and a birthday gift to myself
happy birthday to me
five years almost to the month
as January 9, 2012 i had my double mastectomy
my mother nowhere to be found
what a terrible thing for that little girl inside
that's always wondering
what did i do
why
the woman who brings me to the world
and to recently tell my baby sister
she wasn't wanted by her
she was to be aborted
until my father intercepted the call from the hospital for the procedure
i am 9 years at this point
i already knew much
don't expect to hear from her
we three girls at one point in our life asked
what was it like the day you went into labor with me
she can't remember so she says
not much
leaving it at that
a father who checked out 47
leaving blame
is it me
i don't think so
at the top of my lungs
this morning i sang a Doris Day song
"Que Sera Sera"
and the Frankie baby
"i did it my way"
and it felt awesome
just awesome
i am only given what i can handle
parable or not
i have to believe in goodness
goodness
kindness
to get on the elevator
and a timid fragile woman in every way
taken aback when i said
good morning
having the courage to change the things i can
when she looked into my eyes i could see the smile in them
before she got off i said
one moment at a time
she said thanks
got off on the 7th floor
chances i will never see her again
where is the honor for truth
why are people afraid of the truth
or being caught doing something they are not allowed to do
yet knowingly ignore the rules
and try and hide it
not own up to it
suffer the consequences that come with knowing
YOU ARE BREAKING THE RULES, THE LAW, and you will be caught
and then lie through their teeth
swear up and down
they didn't do that
there was a time one said in video
that isn't me
my thought process believe it or not
of my granddaughter
the learned behavior i am dealing with
i am a sinner
we all are
but as i got older
this is what my assessment is
in my own experience
i am today trying to be the best i could be
it was a tough day yesterday
today is different
i wake and wonder
what is it going to be in the end
and that be the will of Heavenly Father
so i turn another year older
a little girl that still lives
is a bit wiser
and blessed by Heavenly Father
in Jesus Christ
Amen