I don't know if you ever read George McGovern's book about his alcoholic daughter. How he struggled, cut her loose in the end, and was forced to live with the regrets about her demise, when she froze to death, all alone. This is the book: Terry: My Daughter's Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism: George McGovern: 978452278233: Amazon.com: Books

Despite being from the "other side" in this, I think I can grasp how hard it must be for the people who feel love for the alcoholic. There is no control, it's a deal no one ever signed up for, there isn't much support as you say, and the "cut loose" is too often bandied about as a solution. George (who passed away recently) would have disagreed. Yet you feel the other has abandoned you, has abandoned their desire for life (and thus life with you), almost like a slow motion suicide. There's something unbearably selfish about it.

At the same time, the recovering alcoholic has to be continue to be selfish in many respects too, in order to "make it". Thinking too much about what you have done can actually put your recovery at risk if you are not ready for it. He or she needs to put sobriety first - so often has no time to see to the needs of the loved ones that were unwilling passengers on the addiction bus.

Irony is a strange thing. Lately I worry about my wife. She is highly stressed, works 14 hours a day, we see each other about 1 hour a day, in which she needs to let off steam. Works every weekend. She drinks a lot more than she used to, every day. Now, I didn't notice for the longest time, as I had trained myself to ignore alcohol in every shape or form. Yet I do see the empty bottles. I also noticed she gets really angry and sometimes mean when she had a few.

Of course, I'm in the shittiest position possible to actually say much about it. I do try, in the nicest non-threatening ways possible, but it doesn't do much good. I never wanted her to stop drinking on my behalf, I saw it as my problem to fix. Yet right now I wish she would sign up for something like sober February...

We also seem to have lost something; after I got sober, our relation changed, and not in a good way. It's hard to put my finger on it, but we've never been this far apart in the 22 years before I went to rehab.

Anyway, just to say that I understand how complicated this all is, that there are no easy answers, and sure, there are good things, but it's important to be able to talk about all the rest too. And it's OK to be angry...

I don't think you have to "sugar-coat" what you write here. It is a good mirror, and we all understand how much you care for DB, and would never mistake you talking about the hardships as somehow being unkind.