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Originally Posted by Mark in Idaho
There are more than one antidepressant available. People react differently to each one. A good doctor will understand the differences.
You still have not told us what your work is like. Do you shovel dirt ? Do you do computer work ? Do you sell widgets ?
It sounds like you have also not mourned your past so you can move forward and reinvent yourself. If you were A runner and lost a leg in an accident, would you expect to be able to run like you could prior to losing your leg ? You would lose you jogging/running friends and others who did active things with you.
It sounds like you are not even at a true diagnosis of your condition/functions. Some of your symptoms may be resolvable with some work-arounds and accommodations. You may need to make some changes while you learn how to reinvent yourself or what other steps you can do to move forward but you have us to lean on and learn from. We need to understand more than the general concepts of struggling and being depressed.
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Hi Mark,
My depression and anxiety has subsided for the time being. I work in accounting and most of my job contains me staring at a computer screen for the entirety of the day. Again, this is physically tolerable. Other than a headache, my physical symptoms are negligible if not non-existent. I will pass on the antidepressant as the side effects exceeded the benefit last time I tried it.
Like clockwork I banged my head again getting up from my subway seat yesterday. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wouldn't have even realized it was there had I not hit my head. I went to a walk in clinic who told me to follow up with a neurologist which I will be doing next week. I cried for a few minutes after it happened and then called my employer saying I would need time off. I took off for the week and will be returning on Monday.
I understand your thoughts on mourning my old self. When this happened initially over 3 years ago, I went to Israel for a few months to experience a way of life I was unaccustomed to. Admittedly, that was probably the happiest I've ever been. I really wish I had an opportunity to do something similar now To learn and reinvent myself takes time, effort, and focus. It is almost tough to do on top of a full time job! If I were able to have a few months off from work so I can focus on myself and enjoy the "little things," that would of course be ideal, though I don't know if that's feasible.
Lastly, I should count my blessings. Easier said than done of course, and this will be a bit of a process. You're right in that I still don't really know the extent to which I was hurt and what my current condition/functions are. Really the only thing that bugs me is my processing speed seems "off" and conceptually, everything I try to learn and comprehend seems "slower," if that makes sense. I also feel like my memory has declined as I am slower to remember how my friends are doing and what they recently told me when we last spoke. This scares me to the core - this cuts to what's important in life. That said, ultimately I will learn from this and make it to a place where I feel comfortable.