Thank you again, Mark. Having that straight forward outsider perspective was very insightful and eye-opening. You brought up a lot of good points. I'll do my best to answer your questions.

As for nutrition and supplementation, I'm a big believer and advocate for this. It's actually what my job revolves around and what I partly attribute to the success I had been having thus far handling my depression without medication. I also connect it to the successes of the quick recovery process I've been having, although I grow impatient with my healing at times. Human thing, I guess.

My current regiment:

Magnesium 400-600mg (AM and PM)
Turmeric 45mg (AM and PM)
Fish Oil (high EPA/DHA blend)
D3 1,000 IU (higher in winter)
Women's Multi
B12 liquid complex
Alpha Lipoic Acid 100mg (since injury)
CoQ10 100mg (since injury)
Vitamin C 1,000mg (since injury)

On occasion: Holy Basil (stress), Lemon Balm (anxiety), Valerian Root (sleep, though has stopped working)

Also take prescription Topamax 25mg (after much consideration) for about 5 months now and does seem to help take the edge off of the headaches (but I have had my concerns if it is at all related to the mood/depression distresses). Headaches are still relevant and daily though.

As for my symptoms, they are as I had listed in my first post, if you would like to revisit. I had written "had/has" due to the sliding scale of severity.

For instance, take something cognitive like the ability to remember and repeat 5 words you tell me, back to you. I could not do this months ago. I have since come a long way, but am no where near my baseline. I have "graduated" from OT, but that just means I can identify common animal shapes and list a sufficient enough amount of words starting with the letter "p" when timed, etc. etc.

My sleep is probably one of my largest concerns as I know it is the connecting factor to all things, so if you have suggestions for that, I'm all ears. I have a difficult time falling asleep (takes a minimum of an hour on average and sometimes triple that). If/when I find it, i will wake a dozen times a night (if I'm lucky enough to fall back to sleep that many times), having usually the same issue each time of taking a really long time to fall asleep again.

I've done relaxation techniques. Exercises to try to tire myself. Stretches, yoga, tightening and relaxing of muscles, breathing exercises, Reiki, music, etc. I will leave bed to break the association of wakefulness there and do things to "bore" myself -- but I will just get wrapped in it, not bored by it and just stay exhausted but awake, increasingly more unhinged/emotional. I have tried herbal and homeopathic remedies, essential oils, heating pad, cooling, more pillows/less, swaddling haha..

My partner snores.. This contributes but not sure how to remedy that unless we sleep in separate places --- which has worked, but that's sad.


Other things I have done to help the depression/wellness..

I go to PT twice a week and do a near daily at-home exercise program. Getting up and moving is really important for me. If I don't I either get really anxious and that eventually leads to an emotional spiraling scene that gets ugly, or a part of me just wants to stay stagnant forever and that freaks me out. I fear depressed sloth mode (and that usually snowballs into the anxious option eventually anyway).

I completed a 12 week Reiki course last year so I try to do self-sessions but have a hard time focusing. A mentor recommended Tai Chi so I have started that and found the slow movements really helpful on different levels, but it was through YouTube and anything screen-related doesn't stay in my regiment too long due to its depleting effects. I'd love to find something local and cheap, but have not yet.

I am a big hiker (or was.. but wish to still be and I attempt to get out there). My dog is a big deal to me -- she helps keep me motivated and I will take her for walks/hikes. Winter weather aside from just my health has dampened this some (ex: might be feeling up for it but it will be freezing rain etc) but getting into nature and the woods nearby has always been nurturing and grounding for me. I'm eager to be able to run again, as that was huge for me, but I know that's a ways off. So I'm happy to get the walk when I'm okay for that. I went months without even being able to do that.

I've been making a point over these months to find the silver-lining, or even see it as a blessing that I have this extra time. I get to do the things I was always to busy for, even if it is limited by other means. So I also draw, paint, read, write, and play the autoharp, but I can only do any of these for a limited time before my headaches get to be too much.

I liken all things to having a cup and me having a set amount of juice to be able to pour into them. This metaphor can be true for anyone, as we all have limited energy. I just feel as though my pitcher is very light to start and sometimes will suddenly spill over or leak or I don't know what.. evaporate? I'm mostly comparing with past self, not with other people. But for those who don't get why I tire so easily, then maybe that's helpful.. I don't know.

I know my partner on the other hand, does not get this kind of self time. Or any really other than his commute. I'm here all the time. I try to make plans out with friends for myself because too much alone time is not good for me. And I also sometimes just do it for him, because I can tell he just needs some alone time and neither of us will get what we want if I stay. He's always been more of an introvert and that self quiet time is necessary for his wellness and balance. He hasn't been getting it. Our apartment is rather small, which we've both been more than happy with living this way but we also had more of a balance of the small space to ourselves than we've had since my disability.

Okay just going to jump to another topic..

That communication, and communicating with me specifically, is exhausting is on point. My speech, much like my writing, is erratic. And the longer we go at it, the more things start to cross fire or get faulty and I make less and less sense.

I'm never sure how I sound to others though. I mean, it will feel confusing and all over for me but does it come out that way? I will also point out that I probably write differently than I speak as I can type faster than I can gather words for my mouth in a conversation. My original post (and this one too probably) took me a couple hours to get it done after all the editing to hope it made sense. But I know what I am trying to say and if the other person doesn't let me know that they aren't following, then how would I know any different?

So there is absolutely something here to work from. I get in my head a lot about it. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he held back often when he was confused because he knows how sensitive I can be about it all. I used to hold my intelligence and wit to a high standard and not having my physical abilities and now those faculties either has been really hard on my self esteem. But I am my own worst critic and forgive others far easier than self.. working on that.

You're right though about him experiencing his own depression. It's not right to ask anyone to be your personal cheerleader (not unless it's a paid job ). But he's especially not in a personal place where that is a realistic ask.

The truth is, I was often the up beat drum for the both of us. And after a time of being that energy (which can be draining) I'd get to a point where I would be like, hey, I need someone to be positive for me every now and then and cheer me up too. Then, my health issues started happening and I really couldn't handle being that person for us and it fell off more and more as it became more and more difficult.

Even still, I would still try to get up each day fresh and greet him that way and aimed to be the goodness to each other. What started making it bitter was that he wasn't and when it became more difficult for me, I guess I expected him to pick up that task, at least some.. (and is it a "task"? is it a burden? an ask?) But maybe he was never really that way.

I thought maybe in the face of something so traumatic, he would stand up to the plate and see the need, and take it on.. but he didn't.

Now, that's not a fair thing to say and it's statements such as that last one that probably contribute to him feeling like he can do no right. And what if that's true.. How do I change that about me? Because he does have his own way of showing he cares obviously or this wouldn't have kept going for so long.

Ahh.. the true stubborn person being called out now. I feel like I have been the one to make so many compromises and concessions in our relationship, that yes.. I'm being stuck now on this "not settling" bit.. I don't want to keep settling.. or fear that's what I'm doing. Depriving self to keep some "peace".. but it's not peaceful for me, just him. That's not real. And right now there's no peace for anyone in our home. It's awful. I think we may both dread coming home..

Today, I feared opening my eyes. And it's the first lovely day out in a long time. Some freakish Spring weather in February. We both have off.. oh the things we could have done. But he left to go talk to someone finally. That actually made me happy actually. But, meanwhile.. I'm wondering if I should move out. He needs peace. He can't be these things I think I need. I can't keep asking more of him, or anything it seems at this point. It's at a breaking point. And I can't be fixed on this right now instead of healing when it's ripping me apart further to the point of insanity.

I don't want to end our relationship though it feels like that's where this is all leading. And at the worst possible time.. or perhaps it's just through all this heightened stuff, the floodlight has come on..

This was not what is meant by a "quick reply" ... but thank you for listening. All of you.. Going to read the others soon.