Hello Sam: I read through your posts on this thread. I'm fairly new here on NT. But I'm an active member over on NT's sister website: PsychCentral. (By the way... I'm also an old man...) I was struck by what you wrote because I've spent a lifetime where you are... feeling there is simply no point to living... hating just continuing to put one foot in front of the other day-after-day. Even after all these years, it's still sort-of that way, I guess, although it has been true for me that these sorts of concerns have mellowed as time has gone by.

From what you've written, it sounds as though your religion is important to you. I've never been a religious person myself although I have always been very interested in religions in general & spirituality. Over the years I have gradually come under the influence of the Tibetan Buddhist tradition in particular as it is presented in the writings of the American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön.

The really important thing I have learned from Ani Pema's writings is that our struggles: our worries, fears, anger as well as our joys are really our treasure. We can use them as a way to develop deep & abiding compassion for ourselves and for others. So from that perspective, if we feel that life is simply not worth living... that's okay... we can work with that. We can smile to that thought, breathe into it, perhaps even place our hands over our hearts as a sign of compassion & lovingkindness for it. We can then remember that millions of other people feel just as we do. And as a result of engaging our own feelings of despair with compassion & lovingkindness, we can connect with the deep heart of sadness that lurks within hearts of so many others past, present & future. And in the process we can acknowledge our shared humanity, & dwell within the deep & abiding peace of the present moment. One does not have to be a Buddhist to do so.

Now this may all sound very pie-in-the-sky to you. But I will tell you I have tried to commit suicide twice, and have self-harmed to the point where I have done myself permanent physical damage. I still struggle with what is called passive suicidality every day… simply wishing I would just die. So this is serious business for me… as I perceive what you are going through is for you. The difference, of course, is that I’m in the later years of my life, while you’re still so very young. It saddens my heart to think that you already feel so much despair.

I know that others who have replied to your post have suggested you see a therapist. And I do think that would be a very good idea. Sometimes having someone, in real life, to talk all of this through with over a period of time can be a great comfort. So I would also like to encourage you to consider this. Beyond that, I will simply send hugs with the hope that, in some way, you will be able to find deep peace within.

By the way, the practice I described above is called: "compassionate abiding". Here is a link to a nice mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 11 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

May it be of benefit.