The newest symptoms came with my last "relapse" which is loss of feeling and weakness on my left side. My leg and my arm both would be perfectly content to be dragged along entirely by the right side of my body. Since that doesn't really work for me especially being a lefty... 3 times a day every single day, I pull out the resistant bands and I start working out the leg and arm, I force my hand to hold a pencil (granted one of those fat ones), to write (however horrible it is), to grasp things, I feel things with my right hand then go over them with the left and try to force the sensation of whatever my right side is feeling for the left side to "feel".

The muscles are extremely spastic, and throughout stretching and strengthening them there is very little "control" over them as they shake and bounce and the ankle loves to slip sideways and the wrist loves to do the same. It is painful, makes me want to scream though how much of that is from pain and how much of that is from frustration over losing the dominate side of my body, I don't know. But it's certainly painful and as yet has shown no improvement aside from being able to feel pain. So I'm not sure what else you would call it aside from brutalizing it. If it showed any other signs of improvement I'd call it exercising them, but no, the muscles still refuse to work, to heed my will.

But there were 2 points of concern in the radiologist report on my thoratic spine. One was a beign tumor, the other was the appearance of white matter and neither had been reported on the MRI I had of the thoratic spine a year ago. So they're new (or possibly the MRI got a slightly different slice on things) Or another possibility is that they might have been overlooked on the previous MRI, which is somewhat doubtful as I've poured over it with a fine tooth comb. There's no telling because the doctor himself wouldn't even discuss them. But there's a vertebral body hemangioma (aka beign tumor they appear on the skin as birth marks, moles and freckles), and the white matter. White matter could mean lesion, it could mean age for all I know as there's a certain amount of white matter that does appear with age and is perfectly normal. But I couldn't look at it and he refused to "clarify".

The hemangioma might be nothing at all to worry about if it's not infringing on anything it shouldn't be causing my latest symptoms. It could be the thoratic spine is perfectly fine and everything is within normal limits for my age. That is a possibility. But what I don't like is a doctor saying there's nothing, when a report is saying there's something. Explain it! Take the minute to say, okay... this is nothing to worry about beccccause.... Not that I'm especially worried about the whys and wherefores of my body's present mutiny, well unless it's being caused by the tumor in which case cut the darn thing out and fingers crossed the symptoms go away. I kind of care if it's something that could potentially be corrected.

But for the love of all that is holy, do not simply waste my time patronizing and placating me. If I'm asking a serious question, I expect a serious answer, not a pat on the head like I'm some kind of child or worse some hysterical idiot who thinks they know everything because they read an article on WebMD. Which isn't to say I've never used WebMD, but it's hardly the first nor the last place that I look up health information, but it can be an okay thing to change things into layman's terms when speaking to my husband or my step-daughter about something medically relavant.

And it's rather sad that right now, I truly regret not getting a copy of the films myself, maybe after looking at them I wouldn't have even questioned the doctor about it. Who knows, but it's pretty sad that I'm seriously comtemplating a 45 minutes drive to get a copy of my films before I decide if I'm going to just put up with this doctor or try again to find another one. Or just hang it all and drive 2.5 hours to follow my old neurologist to her new practice.

At least the good news in all of this is it's doubtful that I'll have another relapse in the next 6 months until it's time to see a neurologist again, so I have plenty of time to decide on what my solution will be. 45 minute drive to retrieve some films and just letting the DH and doctor hash it out as I go on with my life in whatever state it may be in, find a new neuro or follow the old neuro or some combination thereof. After all I've dealt with spastic muscles since at least age 6 when damage began to show who knows how long before that, while it's gotten worse over time for the damage and havoc it wrecks on my body, the same disorder/disease in the muscle function remains as it has been. So let it rip me asunder, it's just pain... I've been an insomniac my entire life including infancy so what's a few more sleepless nights over pain and spasms. And so what if half my body is on vacation, it's not like I need to work to support myself so I might as well use the otherwise useless half to keep the bed warm so the DH has a nice warm place to go to sleep at night, just have to make sure I roll over when he gets into bed so I don't beat him half to death in his sleep as my left side moves about with a mind of it's own.

It's all good Or as my uncle loved to say "It will be what it will be and that's all that it will be." So for now, I guess I'll just roll with it. If anything gets better "hooray" if anything gets worse I'll get another MRI and go from there, and if everything stays as it is for a time.... oh well, the DSD causes me enough stress that there's no point in borrowing any more trouble from my own body. I waste it on the next generation.