Another day filled with tears, I'm feeling very down but I'm going to visit mum this afternoon. I haven't seen her since January when I took & paid for her & other family members out for afternoon tea at the revolving restaurant in the city. She is totally deaf in her left ear now and has only 20% hearing in her right ear so I can't speak to her on the phone anymore. When I lived in the UK I used to phone her every day, when I moved back to Aus I still did at least 3 times a week and saw her & dad regularly. After dad died she moved much closer to us (3 minutes) and I saw her at least 4 or more times a week, then 2 yrs ago she moved some 25 minutes by car away (actively encouraged by my sister) and now I rarely see her. She knew at the time of moving my PTSD limited me severely with driving but I don't think she really believed I was as bad as I am. I feel bad that I rarely see her, I can't talk to her on the phone and even though I have a difficult relationship with her, she is my mum and I love her.

I wish I could be my old me, took life in my stride and was the person everyone in the family turned to for resolution of their problems. Funny how when I need help not one of them is there to help me. If I was the old me, I could actively help myself....

One of my nieces made redundant last week, she rang and asked if I could help her with her CV and cover letter to apply for jobs. I did say I've not been well, I'm not sure if I'm up to it & her reply was yeah I know, heart problems... sigh, not really, heart was a complication, back problem is the long ongoing issue and that of feeling being used again.. anyway, she emailed it Wednesday afternoon & I've not had the will to even open it. I sent her a message this morning saying I'd got it and if I'm well enough I will try and have a look this afternoon. Not heard back.