Never sugar coating it
Seeing for themselves true to the way things really were
They say all the time
I didn't know we were poor mom
I did my job
After divorce
Back to work
Nights to the very end of my working career
Never sitting on my buttocks
Always on the move
Excercising back to school trying to go into the medical field
How far from that was I
Vowing never to work in city hall
And where did I put 12 1/2 year and it mean nothing
Nothing
Like that over night
When I turned forty
My eyes first thing that changed on the downhill slide
Between Corissa and her kidney troubles
And OMG the hospital stays and doctors
For three years of her life to have that wonder will she make it
She was 3 1/2 months old
And when she took off for a few days coming home with i he only kidney infection
Never even thought yo take her temp
That I expected
A thermometer so important in my lifetime
Not to be taken lightly

Going off topic
I just learned
The above tenant did what I said I would never do and that was take her to court as I had management handle it
And the charge even though dropped needs to be expunged
I am mortified
Just beside myself

So with my body that I have no control over as it is breaking down as it is
And doctors have no clue what's going on with veins in my hands or feet and why they are behaving the way they are
I was taken off tamoxifen after 5 years
The veins don't swell as often and no bruises so there may be a connection to the happenings of my feet and hands in connection with the cancer medicine
I see my oncologist next week
So looking forward to seeing the pain specialist for a torodol shot
It lasts me about two weeks
Anything to relieve the constant pain

Do I go into depression mode
No
Do I wonder if something changed with me
Most certainly
Do I have to put up with the I know better attitude
And them not to even try a be receptive to what I have to offer
A hard thing to step back from
I will not let my children hurt me anymore
Because the separations alone is tough enough
I wish them happiness in whatever they do
For them to love what they do
To love who they are
To know they matter
My walls are up again
My father really did a number on me
Taught me how to build them up quickly
And just as I'm almost done
I remember by doing so
I shut out Jesus Christ
My constant
My everything
Heavenly Fatherto hold me up as I remember who is in charge of it all
To not want to feel is my life and because I have to be vigilant and not let myself be victimized or let it consume me I must do
Now to do homework on how to handle this
Numb
Me