Taking showers is soothing for me when I am agitated and anxious, sometimes I will take 2-3 a day when things get bad. I hope your shower helped a bit

I'm concerned that you have been having suicidal thoughts...
Please keep posting, and reach out to your friends to talk about what a difficult time you are having
If you continue to have suicidal thoughts and they are compelling and/or persistent, please contact the person on-call from your pdoc's office or go to the ER

I'll be thinking of you today BF, and hoping you get some relief from your agitation and anxiety soon