Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune
It's funny you use the word resentment. It's been on my mind all week.... only I think he resents me, he resents I'm not who I once was, The old fit me would have sorted all of this and there would have been no drama, no him having to do anything because it would have all been moved & arranged. He grew up never having to lift a finger, never cleaned, washed, ironed, cooked or gardening. It sounds like he had an idyllic life, I know it wasn't, it was full of violence, blood, trauma and arguments and so through it all he never learned a relationship is a two way street of give and take. So he resents me now because he has to make an effort and do things and he just doesn't seem to know where to start.
I asked on Monday would he be willing to go to marriage counselling. His answer was I've done enough counselling and I'm not doing any more.
I'm at the of my tether, after today I just don't care. The house can look like a rental gone badly wrong. I've got someone coming on Friday to take all the curtains and drapes for cleaning, they come collect, clean and reinstall. So once the painting is finished & the curtains / drapes are back in then and only then will I start to put things back how they should be. He will whinge and moan it should be done but unless it's him doing it, it's not happening. The way I feel, I can see me sleeping in the garage for all of winter.
The stress of staying sober is playing strongly on his mind he said. I know he's doing it tough, I'm very aware of that, excruciatingly aware. I can feel the waves of resentment coming off of him. He resents me for doing things he knows he should be doing & he resents me because I can no longer do them and by doing them it's making him feel worse. But if I don't do them, then they don't get done!! The Carpet layer can't lay on top of furniture, the painter can't paint a full room. I know this sounds harsh but if I'd know he was going to be so unhelpful I would never have agreed to the refurbishment.
With respect to something physical, he is supposed to have had arterial flow tests for his calf muscle, he won't get them done. His breathing is laboured and he's put on about 8kg. You can lead a horse to the trough but what he does after that is up to him.
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My dear sister
Resentments as they resurface in different forms
Thinking they have been worked through is frustrating
You my dear dear empowered loving human being are on your own road to recovery
Do you get me
We all have our pains growing up
But as you said
It was all out on the table
And I applaud you for the strength of having to deal with a difficult matter that does affect another
However
You are not alone
You have a community
A fellowship if you will
Who are here to help you through this very very frustrating difficult time that affects you too
And you made the decision to go through it with him
Again I applaud you in everyway
And you will get things done with or without his help
And one day
Maybe
One day he will feel ashamed of the struggles you are suffering in everyway
You are still "Wonder Woman" add to that "bionic woman" who makes things happen if must
Make NO mistake
I so understand
As everyday things that happen to go through another day
What do I mean by that
Like making the bed when one gets up
You know the everyday routine that makes both your world go round
Things that must be tended to
Feeding the dogs
Here goes the water works
I miss my baby boy
And sure things can be done half butt
And that's not who you are
Because you love
And you are a smart awesome wife having to go through your own crap
You still "DO"
How about we all celebrate you
How about we all hug you and remind you the added sacrifices that you have given up for your love for your love
How about I remind you that you are loved and we will continue to love you through everything we know you are going through as I and sure others feel and understand your "resentments"
But most importantly you matter as God is in your entire being
You could have walked away
But did not
And are to be reminded
You must take care of you while you get done what needs to be done and in the moment hug yourself for the jobs he should have done to help "YOU"
Maybe
Just maybe
After all that is said and done
He will feel your empowerment and be shameful of his selfish behavior of someone who isn't the same person not by your choice with the added stress that KILLS
There is a reason for everything we are going through
As hard as it is understand
Remember who you have in your life that is constant
And that be Heavenly Father
You matter
You are stronger in other ways as physically you have been altered and still push through your day
I am holding you
And am sure you can do it for you
As resentments are going to happen
Hold on and don't let go
God is good
And you are a wonderful wife and love the dogs
May their unconditional blessings give you what I know they have to offer
Let's celebrate PamelaJune and all you have been through
I love you
We love you
God love you
The dogs loves
And the list goes on
So so much for resentments
Not today
Me