My yesterday is today just so much worse
Nothing
4days and something went aray just like that
Yesterday is here again and I don't want to be in it
My two youngest children together for the past few days
They are not children
And their bull crap isn't anything I want to deal with
I am so done and now what
Wait for another repeat of such a horrible horrible day and I am so so so sorry
But it is not ok
Babies mother in the hospital so high on PCP
and then my youngest hung with her until mommy stormed out of the meeting
My youngest doing her thing with a jerk who is trying to 13 step my child and doesn't even know it
And has push me out of her way
Put her hands on me
A child I never hit or abused
And I don't know why but she is not the daughter I once had and knew
Her traumatic as she watched her sister high and it comes back to me when she came home at a late time
To awake me to that crap
And then I just caved
Caved where my brain cannot handle the pain and overload
I am not alive anymore
The life is sucked out of me and no body sees it at all
The veins in my hands hurt so badly
My feet hurt when I stand
Just burn me
Please
Just burn me
How does one keep a happy face on like she sees me try
And why does she have to ask are they happ sad pain or happy tears
And I don't want to feel see cry anymore because I have nobody else to talk to about this all
I am the only person who is trying to keep my granddaughter in a happy place
I can't today
A son who is kicking dope
My eldest who I hear has a unhealthy taste for alcohol addiction addiction addiction is killing them and me
Because I have lived longer
And my child tells me how traumatized she is seeing her sister in that state and just keeps dumping more and mor and mor and more I just want it to all end
I can't do anything about it
There isn't anything I can do
I don't want to hear any of it anymore
Who is listing to me
Who is helping me
What have I got to keep my granddaughter happy while the rest of them are killing themselves I all I can do is watch
I don't want to see hear feel know any of it
Why do I do this to myself
I have no body helping or looking out for me
But have to trust this is what Heavenly Father has in store for us
I don't have the nerve
I can't do it
To just slip away slowly pain free of it all
To not ****ing cry anymore
It does nothing it doesn't feel good afterwards
And I don't know when the next problem will arise
trauma she says
I am sure
Only
All I have to say about that
I relate
As I have 56 years of it and it doesn't seem to be getting better
What
What else must I have to understand my purpose is and for what
Who cares anyway I have to let go of this
HOW MUCH MORE SADNESS DISPARITY PAIN I DONT KNIW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
Nobody sees or hears
So what else is left to do
Watch my granddaughter life be destroyed
Why can't I have the means to just get away
Just run away
Why am I here
Why do I have to stay in this tornado that has become a monster
I come to you dear Father
Please please release my heat that hurt so much
My brain can't think anymore
Today I am good go nobody including myself
I have a hole where my heart used to be
I feel so sad no words to explain
Where do I go
What do I do
How do I move ahead when I have all this crap to deal with
I don't want to anymore
And then there is Eva
Tainted by so much ugliness
How do I protect us
No family
No mother to turn to
As she never wanted us
None of my children doing well enough to help
As they need it desperately
And I have been there so many times
Just want to throw the towel in
Pray pray pray pray pray I do not for me
It hurts so badly
My child able to push me
Why not kill me
There is so much hurt so much hurting all hurting
And I can't keep it together anymore
I just want to throw in the towel