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Old 07-08-2017, 05:10 AM
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PamelaJune PamelaJune is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Where my heart is
Posts: 1,140
10 yr Member
PamelaJune PamelaJune is offline
Senior Member
PamelaJune's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Where my heart is
Posts: 1,140
10 yr Member
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Oh Gunny, I'm so sorry, I'm writing from hospital in a severe pain cycle but I don't think mine is in any way comparable to what you have endured. You deserve a good life Gunny, you've served your country and it's time they serve you. Suboxone I'm told by my DB is effective with a supportive environment and planned approach. If you could tap into illicits please try to use your ebbing strength to tap into a support group, use whatever you need to keep you grounded and here with us, & you're right, your mam will never forgive herself.

My fiancé took his life with a bullet after serving his country many years ago now. Alcoholism got the better of him and neither his mother nor I were ever quite able to find peace with his choice. His mum who is gone now too always said she wished she had paid for him to fly out to join me, she felt convinced if I'd been by his side we'd have had a different result. Me, I've wondered also but I know he was racked with guilt over the child S he conceived while drunk. So, I consciously made the decision not to live a life with what ifs. I had to. I wonder at times if it was in the genes, H dad took his life before he was 35, he left 2 young boys, H knew how traumatised they all were after that event, so no matter how many what ifs I role play, I come back to the belief he was on another playing field and I don't believe I could have reached him. But I do believe a stranger might have, someone who knew nothing of his life, his joys, his demons & whatevers. It took me years to come to grips with his choice, even though I wasn't there, even though I didn't find him, I have a vivid picture in my mind as it was described to me, so vivid it's as if I were there.

And as you know I have now another life, (the irony is not lost on me my now husband of 25 years is an alcoholic in recovery) but I've kept an eye on the life of his child S from afar through H mum, after she passed I reached out to S & I've maintained sporadic touch with his only child (as I said conceived through drunk behaviour) he took his life before she was born and sadly the mother took her life with an illicit overdose before the child S was 2. I think their combined bad behaviours drew them together but as I wasn't there I'll never know.

On top of that H own father took his life So she never knew her dad, mum or grandfather all she knows and says is they got sick. She's asked me a few times if I knew H before he got sick. They all took their life for differing reasons but ultimately emotional pain. S has no memories or photos of her father (she actually doesn't recall her mum either) but I was able to share recently photos of H in his uniform, on ship, and on land. I tactfully didn't share any of he and I together, but I did find letters from her grandmother where she talked about H along with Xmas cards. I don't think his daughter needs know the angst, she thinks he and her mum had a solid relationship, she knows who I am though, I've found some letters from him to me recently, so maybe she does know more...She asked me once, you knew my dad before he got sick... ripples from one taking their life are vast, think of it like a flute with notes that go on and on, just as a butterfly wings would go on. I wonder Gunny if you could find peace and comfort from the suicide forum group on here. Alfie is great to talk to. And also on the alcohol and substance group you might want to reach out to Icehouse, Wide0 & Kiwi. We're all here for you Gunny, any time day or night, the beauty of NT is we are world wide and someone is always awake & willing to listen, engage in dialogue or just chew the fat.

BEWARE / Bewarned I've just been given the Medazolam orally (first time ever in liquid from) so I'm quite possibly talking out of my proverbially rear end. I just want to help Gunny you've struck a chord with me. Hang in there please, from all of us. Most importantly if I've over shared, said to much. I'm so very sorry, for that I'm sorry, if you want me back in a box, tell me. I must admit I do feel quite strange, I wonder if I can move my limbs, going to give it a whirl. Watched me get told off....

Nope no movement without pain, nut I tried? DB have our 25 this coming year in August. I'm thinking an overland plane 8 nights within

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunny Fitz View Post
Wow Haven't been on here in forever!! The SCS did NOT work so I've just been fighting my way thru life day by day, Opiod tolerance off charts, fell into illicit drugs to help numb my body and pain. Now depression is head over heels and it's looking like I'm going back into another Residential In Patient PTSD Program but also to detox and get on Suboxone. However, I then worry about my Cervical Spine pain and not having anything to quell it. This is all a vicious *** circle isn't it? And yes I've been having heavy suicidal ideations too. Last time I felt like going that route I'm lucky it was my mother's birthday and I could NEVER EVER leave the world on her b'day like that. Never. So I hope to be in another program within a few weeks and I'll try my best to update myself here. Sorry to leave some of you hanging and thanks to those of you who reached out to me via private msg too. Means alot. Talk with you all soon. Hope you're all doing ok with your own battles of pain. God bless Gunny
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Last edited by PamelaJune; 07-08-2017 at 09:49 PM.
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eva5667faliure (07-08-2017), ger715 (07-09-2017), Gunny Fitz (08-20-2017), Rrae (07-09-2017)