Told they are just feelings
It will pass
Pass
I have been praying
That I be cal in the arms of Heavenly Father
That all is in his control
That he has our fingerprints before ever entering the world
How is it that I got to this point
How is it that I just want to give up and for it to just stop hurting
Everything hurts
Everything
I cannot stop my brain from thinking what it does
I pick up a book can't read as my mind is just stuck
Stuck in this dark abyss
Don't want to be here
Don't want it to control me
Did the therapist most my life
For the most part
No V8 moment
All things I already figured out at a very young age
Do I think about how sick this family is
Sure I do
Did anyone listen no
A family of riddled with addiction mental disease and a struggle trying to grow up
Easy
Not for this one
There isn't a time since the age of three
Yup I have memories at a very early age
I began one day describing to my mother in the 90's how I remember and told her in detail
What do you think it was
My father raping my mother
This a family of scrects
Oh on the outside a good well behaved hard working children
Respected by society
How many times did I go to school beaten on the morning
Hated to gay my long hair brushed
She was so brutish in her touch
To this day the thought of kissing my mother or touching her disgusts me
And it's not just me
Recently my middle sister struggling to put my only nephew through college
Her husband not my nephews father they divorced but stilllive together
But her husband
The man she fell in love with turned her on to herion
And now she's just coasting through her life
Crying
"It's not our fault"
"It's not our fault"
She is right
Then I look at the life I jumped into so young
A young mother of three
Divorced at at 25
And it managed to get harder and worse
As I look into things deeply
From the time I wanted to just die
Still living home
Asked for a answer
As I opened the book to get my answer to do it or not
I open up randomly and ask answer Father
And I open to psalm 6 verse 6 till the end was my first experience of getting a answer
And so I move on
A mother who let her husband my father hurt me and my middle sister needed to tell this woman who is our mother "Eva isn't making up stories"
It happened to me too
We are adults at this point
Married to her third husband
Who eyes leering at my oldest may she have been 8,9 or 10 caught him looking at her in that disgusting filthy way as she was ballet dancing
Well I couldn't hold back
Lots of turd hitting the fan
I knew that look
I knew that look at a single didget age
I have written of this over and over and over
And I just start to think it is over before it started
Wondered how my mother let it happen
I listen to her a few days ago
Yelling out don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I told her it's not in me to do it
I'll have to wait my time
To have a horrible relationship when we were younger
The things she told me as I was the built it babysitter / as I were her mommy became my responsibility yup my baby sister remembers all the things I have done for her it was easy for Liz to take off whenever she wanted to hang with her girlfriends this was my prototype
This the baby who was scheduled to be aborted
Never happened
And again abort another child at 36
She would lean on me and tried to explain it away
Well here I am still talking about it
I have a purpose
What that is who knows I just do my best
Bestowed with a family of my own made that decision
Saying to myself you can do this
Over and over again
And she calls me crying a few hours later crying
Please I need you here
I don't have the nerve to this world @ericbolling @divorced W/4 children and a deadbeat father all their lives Why no talk about $'s states could save rounding them up its valid
Calming her I'm not going anywhere I'm here for you
And then my family
They do not see it
Just making excuses excuses excuses
My youngest I have no clue where she is

And then I wake and my granddaughter takes it all away for the moments I just want to give up
Reminded I didn't pick up
And managed another day
Like it or not
I blocked everyone from contacting me
And it did not feel good
But that's what I did until it hits me out of nowhere
And deal with it
So much hurt
Not really what I wanted to get out but had to finish
So much hurt
So much not our fault
And I have to get my crap together
And figure out how am I going to handle this
My last chance to help raise my grandchild
I look for the butterfly
Still looking
Me