I don't want to live like this anymore. I told one of my oldest friends yesterday on live messenger. She cried and got angry and said a number of times don't you dare do this to me. I won't, I know only to well the impact it has on others. But it's true, I don't want to live like this. I've made a decision I am requesting some sort of formal notification that states DNR. I wonder can I get a medical Bracelet that's says the same. I'm tired. I'm tired beyond belief. DB looks at me with bitterness these last few days. He says I'm being critical, of him. How much more supportive can I be. He's slept this entire time it seems I've been in hospital other than the days he worked. Things around the house easily done not done, not touched at all. I hired a cleaner to come in and do things, I gave clear instructions. DB went to the garage and slept the 8 hours the 2 cleaners were here. He came out when the cleaners left and rang the agency to say cleaner needs to come back, job done badly. I think they must have watched Tele all day. I get home from hospital Saturday & I've been in contact with the agency today. they're coming back again tomorrow. We spent $475 the house should be sparkling, all I asked for was the empty curtain rails to be dusted and damp clothed down for the new clean curtains to go back up. I asked for the skirting hoards to be soft dusted and soft damp cloth to remove the dust cascaded down from having cleaned the curtain rods. None of this has been done. I asked for the windows to be cleaned in the grooves between where the windows open and close. Wet clumps of dirt all left behind and the windows cleaned in a sporadic effort. You can see smear wipes, as soon as you enter and cob webs galore on the outside. My sister came in and said she would have done it all for $500'cash she can't believe the poor job done. I'm not having a go at DB why is he taking everything so personally. Why is he being so horrid to me. Does he think I'm happy being in this pain and having to go to hospital. I've been told I'm not to bend, lift, stretch or reach and under no circumstances do Pilates. Which is what the PM specialist told me to do. I'm over everything. What's the point in living like this, my husband looks at me with bitterness. He tells me he took 3 of my tablets while I was in hospital, he couldn't help himself but at least he didn't drink. He says he can't do it if I'm not here. How am I supposed to respond to that. I'm not his saviour. No wonder he resents me, I stop him from in his mind having fun, I make him feel guilty in his mind for not having fun. I'm tired, I've been home 48 hours, he's not offered to do a single thing for me, asks instead what am I cooking. I'm done living like this. I'm not someone's mother, I'm not someone to be made to feel guilty be used I'm unwell. I didn't choose this life. I hate it. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't even walk out the front door. My cane has been replaced with a walker. I'm over it.

Oh and I got the breast mammogram back. It says I have a dense tissue mass and have to have an ultrasound for more conclusive results. The generic testing they did is insufficient to pick up finer detail but the dense mass tissue warrants investigation. I haven't got the calcium score test from my heart test yet, no doubt I'll get a letter from my GP sometime this week. The neurologist surgeon who saw me this week, sadly not taking on new patients says he will write to my PM in very clear terms and tell him what needs doing with me. Funnily enough I've been asking for bone scans for over 12 months, my back got worse after he got me doing Pilates. Sorry I'm rambling. I'm feeling very upset, vulnerable and useless.