To find my way out of this is a nightmare of a roller coaster ride that doesn't want to stop
Oh how I call upon my Savior to hold me tight through this time of dispare
It is killing me as I try and stay focused on "You"
There is no pain greater then to watch your babies suffer addiction and not find their way to you
Bury I will not
I will not
I have such sadness that is affecting me
Not in a good way
Sure a good cry can be refreshing
But when you can't stop
Or when the tears just don't come is even worse
To have nobody to talk to about it anymore as many are gone
Who wants to hang with this sad soul
But I am able to give an ear shoulder a hug if needed
I am so tired of feeling like it would be so much better not living so I don't have to feel this way
My body hurts so badly in this weather
Just kills
All this for what
I have given up so much and then so much more taken at my prime
To think of all that wanted to marry me with my babies
And they were babies
But because my fathers sickness and stripping me of so much
And not let a stranger take advantage of my babies was all that would go through my mind
If my father could do what he did
I just didn't want to take that
All for what
And thinking about it
All for this
It hurts to wash my hair
Who who will be there to help as time goes by
What was I thinking
I was thinking I have to protect them
As to not have loved and be loved in return
Just thinking about it
Feels so terrible
Especially when I want someone to lay their hands on me
I'm so sad about how this life changed me i am closer to Heavenly Father
But this sick mind when it wonders off of Heavenly Father is dangerous
And not healthy for me
This much I know for sure
The stress because I won't stay fixed on my Savior and let my mind do and go places that is so unhealthy first for my spiritual connection
My serenity is at stake
How quickly it happens
And it is something that should be in my control

As it starts in the mind and let myself run with it
Therefore I have nobody else to blame but myself
And shame on me
And yet I have to say to myself stop thinking about all the things that happened
I made it through it all
But again reliving it as I watch my kids
And they can be really mean

I must let go
Help me let go Heavenly Father
Help me let go and not rehash it anymore
Enough already
It hurts to hard
Me