I've been up and out of bed into the corridor twice, have been the to loo a number of times for number ones and yesterday they gave me suppositories for number 2, PLUS 1 sachet of movicol the day before and 2 sachets of movicol yesterday morning. Needless to say after drinking the special nuclear fluid for the stomach scan within an hour, I had the urgent desire to hit the pan. I held on for grim life and avoided any acccidents -luckily!! Been for number 2 again this am, so all good on that front.

I am however feeling very down and anxious. Pastor came to talk with me to find out what was wrong and suddenly I blurted out it's almost 40 years to the day I had my first spine fusion and the orderly entered my room at 11.30pm and placed his penis on my pillow. I awoke and screamed and another orderly came in, they had a terrible fight, long story short, they both got the sack. But for me it was just brushed under the carpet.

The room I'm in is lovely, but it's at the end of the corridor, everyone stands outside my room ruffles through their papers and I'm constantly singing out who who is there. The nurses say I'm never sleeping and I need to sleep to heal. Pastor has rearranged the curtains, placing them on the left and I have a clear line of sight to anyone walking to my room or past it. It just came bubbling up out of nowhere, must have been the ketamine bringing the memory back.

Dr Harsha, General surgeon did a nuclear scan yesterday, he told me he had to cut through the multiple inscisional hernias to commence and to close use A1 mesh to help close the wound without need for further hernia surgery down the track. I will google A1 mesh, apparently it's natural and the blood cells intermingle with it and a permanent barrier formed. ...

Dr Narula has been, he has told me this morning he is very worried over the S1 fusion with pedicle screws & I have choices to make, never ever bend to tend to the dogs, cats food, water or ablutions, or the S1 which he couldn't get to will cause significant problems, it was too dangerous to get to it as I'd been under so long and my BP dropping very very low so had to finish up. Now that's going to be a convo with DB and a half....no bending at all, no bending to the dishwasher, to the front loader washer, can even put my shoes on, have to get resources to use. Luckily I have a few already.

Mum coming to see me today, the Pastor says I must talk with her about the event when I was 16, the pastor says I must so as to move on from holding against her, it's just 3 weeks later my brother beat me up, his future wife lied and said he didn't touch me and the said bikie who rescued me from him then raped me 4 hours later. Not sure this is the place to have that convo for her, particularly as I've just made peace again myself with her, can't see what is to be gained, but pastors says maybe it's mums chance to say she's sorry she didn't do more... decisions decisions.

Post edit

I've decided, I have nothing to gain by asking her other than to rehash old angst, but I see the Pastors point, mum may wish to say something...I'm not saying it outright, I may if there is a chance ask her if she recalls the kerfuffle over the orderlies being dismissed, if she says yes I will say why were they sacked. But it's not her fault that event happened & I don't hold her responsible for it, I can only say it's such a shame I was this frail little looking teenager with strawberry blonde hair, ripe for cretins to take advantage....

Post post edit, mums sister came as well, so I said nothing at all. And, tbh, I am glad she came, I can't put myself through all this again and again. I've accepted it happened, I have no idea how or what mum & dad said, perhaps they were the reason both were sacked. Just nothing to be gained by asking, so I'm not. We had a lovely visit and it was nice to see them both - NB got a temp of 38.3m nothing is ever easy xx