Today’s email at 6.39am after the wild weather we had (very wild)! Hope all is good at home after the wild weather and hope you and all pets are doing ok. L&T

I imagine these will peter out soon enough, I notice the love has been dropped. If he truly cared, he will have remembered all the blinds needed securing, outdoor furniture secured and cat run made safe, none of which is truly easy to do when recovering from a 3 level spine fusion.

I had thought I’d managed it all with lots of small attempts over the course of the day, we had well advance notification of the storm intensity. But one of the blinds came free and I had to make a quick rescue dash, leaning back and looking up while pulling not an easy task in my state. Nevertheless I achieved it, the rain lashing seemed to reach its highest sometime around 3am, I checked on all the animals at 11, 1, 3 & 5. I got up at 6 and let them all in. In other words I had a very disrupted night. I would normally leave the cat run door open for the cats to come and go, but with the wind so strong it was sucking the curtain and smacking it against the open gap and whistling and flapping like Batman’s cape. I apologised to the cats and said I’m sorry it’s every cat and woman for themselves. Only my Manx looked at me reproachfully the Abyssinian, Black Russian and Russian Blue were up for a night of fun. My beloved boys (dogs) were hunkered down in their beds, didn’t even look up when I turned the light on to check, and as I had elevated their beds 8” off the ground in winter after the last storms when the back yard flooded I had no concerns about them sleeping in wet soaking beds. In all I think did a good job, in reality I did nothing more than I’ve done for the past 12 years, it’s always been me securing the furniture and blinds and making the yard safe from flying projectiles while he would sit inside in the depths of his depression or downing a beer or 4. Cats and dogs are all inside now and seem very well at ease.

My sister is coming tonight to clean and stay the night, I’m looking forward to her company. She has gone through this, her husband left her after 10yrs, he’d had multiple affairs and she had turned a blind eye. The day he left she was in hospital by nightfall, looking back, an effort on her behalf to garner his attention, I recall going to the house to get her X-rays and all he said was “what’s she done this time” with zero care factor. My sister is very different to me, she registered on an on line dating site and was with someone within the week, she openly admits she can’t be on her own. She’s able to take on someone else and become someone else with ease. I know she will recommend I do the same, but that’s not me & the thought of being in someone else’s arms churns my stomach.

I see my psych again tomorrow, she has chosen to bulk bill me for the next 3 sessions so I will not be out of pocket. I’ve spoken to Payroll and changed my pay to go into my new bank account and I’ve added up all his expenses since November 26 to tell him it’s his responsibility to repay them, by Thursday last week the setting up his new home exercise has cost $6876, money he has taken from our joint equity account which my wage was paid into. I notice he has spent more since then and also used the credit card. In contrast, I’ve spent $53. Maybe I should go back to November 10...

I feel drained, I pray I can become the person I was after I left my 1st husband, the one who was strong and put herself first for the first time in her life. The one who wasn’t controlled by others thoughts and actions, the one who said No and stopped trying to please everyone else. Ironically the one db (aka dead beat - no more dearly beloved) fell in love with. I need to be that person again, I know she must be somewhere inside me.

Post edit $9591.48 so much for telling me he’s not the flashy spend money man anymore. Miss BO has got herself a good one here. No way is she going to be releasing her claws.