Something is very wrong
Ashamed I am not
My mental state has declined at a rapid rate
The ups and downs aren’t balanced
The stress through my lifetime I fear has taken over my mind
I cannot shake what’s happening
And I dread having to find a doctor because I don’t trust them
I really am coming apart inside
And I have tried so hard to shake it
Hold hoping it too shall pass
My Heavenly Father is my maker
Help me on this difficult lonely journey
I don’t know anymore
I cannot put my finger on what’s causing this horrible feeling of doom
I don’t want to live like this anymore
And I don’t want to be pumped up with all different meds as the too are on a process of trial and error
I guess I would be deemed a project to a doctor
And I’m not keen on that kind of experiment
When I would smoke cannibas at its been a while I don’t experience these moods
And I have been smoking for many years
At a point where I want to clean up this aging body I still know what I would experience
And cannibis helped as it is my own experience and assement
I know me I know what my brain experiences and how I feel afterwards
Happier I feel
Why
What is it in cannibis that changes this sandness to bearable life
I have a high level of stress most my entire life
And having not a drink in such a long time
I now void in my life by my choice I began to spin out of control
I can only explain it like such
“Just that calm feeling of the first three drinks”
It’s been three decades I haven’t had a drink
But I have in my illness past seven years when I would take a hit or two I am a much different person mentally
The calm I get
My surroundings don’t affect me like they are now for so long
I am physically broken not speaking of my mind here although the brain to is an organ
I cannot dismiss the idea I now am in a bipolar state
But first things began to break down at the age of 49
Since then the domino affect just took over
I do not just have issues with my spine it is so much more
Fibromyalgia diagnosis was first and the list is long and so many other things just came it seems out of nowhere
If the mind and body go hand in hand my mind followed
I am so in tune with ME
I know something is wrong
And it is draining me into nothingness
Everything is just so overwhelming and I want to stick my head into the sand
I made choices I am smart and protective of my own
But it’s me now
I am broken in everyway have but myself nobody to lean on to take it away for a while
What is happening to me
Who do I go to
Who can trust with all that has happened
I trust nobody including my last psychotherapist I was with for seven years seven years and all he would say is you have stuffered many horrible situation in my lifetime
No kidding
No kidding
My entire family are self medicating with dangerous drugs
It is not the answer
This I know for CERTAIN
and I understand why they got to that point
Who wants to feel all the pain when a drug can take it away temporarily
It just that it take everything and some form the individual
Including life on the streets
Why if I only took a few tokes from a cannibis and not anything else not to do anything else is it not taken seriously I don’t want to hear of drugs that put a person in a state of nothingness
Are in such a zombie state
That to is not a way to live and understand why my son and my grandchild’s mother have experienced in there treatment
They express the horrible affects
And how it is not worth it
I just don’t know
I don’t know anymore
I feel like I’m loosing my mind who I am as a human
The fears that have come to me
I fight this and feel like I’m loosing it all
I right this moment have no desire to live
It’s not there
The work
The hard work
Just keeping it together
All for what when I cannot be feel crave happiness
To laugh
Just the act