Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune
Thank you for sharing Gerry, many of us had parents who survived the Great Depression, WW1 or WW11. My mum had a harsh childhood with a very strict father who once beat my aunt so badly she had an asthma attack & the ambulance was called, an unwell mother who was regularly hospitalised, living & moving often from 1 rental to another, to finally settling in a 1brm apartment on the 1st floor with both sisters (mum & aunt) sleeping on a verandah open to the elements all year round and accessed only by walking through their parents bedroom. With nana’s poor health money was extremely tight.
Gerry, mothers didn’t have much to go on for parenting advice in the 19th century, much of what was written was aimed at being a “good wife” with pithy statements like “children seen and not heard”... What we experience in our childhood influences our actions towards those we care for. Don’t chastise yourself too much, I’m sure you did what you thought was best for your son 
As an adult now I can see clearly how mums efforts at parenting were defined by her own childhood experiences; those combined with her insecurities, pettiness & keeping up appearances led to many poor and ill thought out choices. But with a greater understanding of her childhood experiences I am able to forgive her. |
Pam,
I remember my mother telling me how her mother cared and loved her sister, who was younger than her, more. She told me how often her brother would fight/hit her. Also, her mother/my grandmother (who my only memories of her bedridden with terrible Parkinson's) blamed her for the death of her baby brother because she had left a window open and he got sick with a cold/flu and died. She was just a child herself.
We all carry our crosses. Her hurt with my Dad's issues was not easy for her to deal with. Unfortunately, she wanted me to not have anything to do with him; especially after I became an adult/married with an apartment for him to visit me. I tried to explain to her I did not like what he did but he was my father and I loved him. He never forgot a birthday for me or my children.
I always made sure when my children were young they did not know about how I avoided telling her when I/we did see him. I didn't think they needed that burden too. I would just not bring them with me to visit with her for a few weeks in the hope they would forget to mention seeing him. Never told them "don't tell grandma".
Actually Pam, my son is the baby boy I had hope for after having two girls. My eldest daughter would often mention how he could get away with things she never could. The girls kiddingly referred to him as "Baby Jesus".
The one thing I did learn from my mother's "conditional love" was to always show my children "unconditional love". My reward for that is I receive it back from them "l0 fold".....
I loved my mother very much and by trying to understand what she was dealing with helped me not to hold grudges and forgiveness was always there. A little extra prayers helped as well.
I am glad with greater understanding of your mum's childhood experiences, you are able to forgive her.