well, it is true that i have an addictive personality and there are many underlying factors which i've tried to address, through therapy, almost my entire life, without a lot of success. the main psychiatric diagnosis for me has always been complex ptsd, which can happen when a triggering trauma occurs over a long period of time as opposed to being a one-time event. many folks in the mental-health community say that c/ptsd is just about impossible to deal with and such has been my experience. that said, with the help of anti-depressants and a double dose of zoloft (which helps with ocd, another thing i have), i'm fairly functional. but, over the years, on and off, drinking has been one of my more successful coping mechanisms, at least that's what i tell myself.
of course, the problem is that it's led to alcoholic pn.

the mood journal sounds like a good idea but nothing triggers me to want to drink. when the clock strikes 5 pm, i drink.

all this said, i will be back home on the east coast in ten days, and i will start antabuse again at that time, and then i can assess what damage this current round of binge drinking has led to.