Quote:
Originally Posted by Me BP?
I can't even get my feelings to come out and I hate myself for it.  |
((((((BJ)))))),
Don't hate yourself because you don't want to look at your feelings. That is *NOT* a character flaw. It's ... I was going to say "normal", but what the heck is that?? ... it's just everybody else feels, afraid.
Sometimes, sitting in a real quiet space ... and breathing real slow, and real deep ... will get the tears (and everything else) flowing. We tend to hold our breath when we're trying to control ourselves.
Oh, I found a message that I wrote to you and never posted. My computer must have crashed and I forgot what I was doing (AKA "senior moment")
It looks like I wrote it on May 27th. I guess I need to see what else is hiding on my computer
Quote:
((((((BJ)))))),
You don't need to be forgiven for anything. It WAS NOT your fault.
You've got to remember, BJ, I've been on this journey many-many more years than you.
I attempted suicide 7 times. Into the psychiatric hospital twice. The first time that I went to the hospital, it had just been opened. There was only 10 patients and probably just as many staff members.
I woke up one night crying my eyes out. Went into the quiet room with one of the therapists. We sat on the floor on big pillows and he taught me how to breathe. I cried and cried. He said something to me that you need to hear too: "it was not your fault". I hope you can hear those words echoing down through the years to you.
Older sisters are not responsible for younger brothers. That's the parents' job. For some reason because of the closeness in years and because of the love that we had for our brothers, we felt like they were ours to take care of. That's not the responsibility of a child.
You know something, BJ, our reactions and love for our brothers shows that we were both blessed with amazing brothers. And we both have the capacity for incredible love.
What worked for me was learning all I could about suicide. So that I could understand WHY. And so that I would never-ever again take the same steps.
It took me a long time. And a lot of hard work. My brother came to me in a dream one night and told me I had to let him go.
You don't have to punish yourself anymore for things that you did not know or did not do when you were a child. Children don't have the knowledge or the skill or even the responsibility...
Read Rabbi Earl A. Grollman's books. He's an incredible man who's spent his whole life studying losses -- of every kind.
There are a lot of us who have the same pain in our hearts. Hold on tight:
BIG HUGS.
Barb
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Hugs (and blessings).
Barb