I don’t want to feel
For what I do feel is not happiness
I don’t know why
But that’s what I feel
It strips me of is much energy mentally
Sucking the life out of me
I do not speak of my physical pain
This I have learned to live with
But something
Something happened to my brain
I wasn’t always in this state of mind
It’s debilitating and I don’t want to feel it anymore
Like a monster lives in me
It visits me in my sleep just before I wake
In fact it wakes me as I cannot return back to sleep
Not able to close my eyes with the disturbances around me
If I got four hours I’m lucky
I meditate first thing
Pray that Heavenly Father hold me so tight I loos thought of whatever is draining my life into nothingness
A horrible horrible experience having to experience it
I so want it to go away
As the only one who knows me
Is Heavenly Father
I cannot hide what is real it is work
Hard work
I believe wholeheartedly it is hormonal that makes depression even harder to deal with
Having stopped my estrogen and not addressing what comes with doing that alway scratching my head
Why isn’t anybody listening to me (my doctors)
Do they really want to keep me to themselves
As it is profitable to them
And then my job taken loosing my insurance
Forced to retire as I cannot return to the working world
I crave happiness like a baby craves the earth of a mothers arms
My mother not in my life
By her choice hurts
Even knowing she did not want us
My heart not acting normal as the fluttering is there I feel I
After I see the vascular doctor I must find another cardiologist
When in the hospital this past September the attending cardiologist recommended I get another nuclear stress test
How easy to advise
But it is so difficult to find one I can trust
Insurance I have is not lucrative pretty much on my own finding a good one
But it is on my list of doctors
When I go for my pap I will talk to my doctor about my hormones
See what he has to say
I have been provided a site I am looking into
But till then
This doom that lurks in and around me I want void
Me