It is just taking it one day at a time
My mental state although fluctuates throughout the day
I look to my Father for strength the strength needed to be calm
Never do I want to be in that place anymore
And I am struggling with not taking my will back as far as that is concerned
It is by the grace and love I have to stay sober
And as I do it be now two and a half decades I find it more difficult keeping my word to myself enough already
They to are like an addiction
On it put me in a depressive state
It is that I fight every single day
Just one day at a time
One situation at a time
My last child who I just do not know anymore
And do not know what happened to her
As I did my very best
And she still at twenty does absolutely nothing to help herself
She know she needs some help and guidance
I haven’t failed in that department
In fact she thinks she can come and go without bringing ANYTHING TO THE TABLE
she the one who wants that mommy back before I got this ill
Yet she won’t lift a finger to help in anyway
Every time we are out and go into establishments
At the register I ask are you hiring
She is going to night school something that is at the top of the list of things to do
And I’m not even sure she is there when she leaves the house
Yesterday I needed help with two loads of laundry
Never to be done
She said tomorrow
Well tomorrow is here
Taking flight as she got out of the car after picking up my grandchild from school
Is it their gift as recognized and in school for the gifted mean anything
And never to finish school
I must let go
Go of the entitlement she demonstrates
Asks for toothpaste soap pads feed her and still dip into Eva’s snacks for school
Never denying my child of anything
Never did she return home after taking flight
And left with this angel
Having a difficult night as I explains the pain I experience now all over this beautiful body
Gifted I too am
Pushing through all that Heavenly Father allows to come into my life on a daily basis
I choose to take it and push back
I have my fears worried that this child of mine will not understand the road she is on
I ask Heavenly Father please give me the strength to call it as it is
No sugar coating it
It is real
It is killing me and my granddaughter has to be priority now
As she needs me to guide her teaching her
She is so smart
And her aunts and uncles nowhere to be in her life
Shame on them
A lovely child and a pleasure in everyway
I am her everything
Today she goes to visit her parents to be supervised by the other grandmother

On Easter Sunday I gave them the opportunity to take her to be supervised by the other grandmother

I found out upon her return she asked to call me
As she said before leaving with them
“Mimma can I call you when I am out? Of course I told her, I will be waiting for your call “
Her mother told her I was sleeping
But even more importantly the grandmother left while at the park
And was left with two unstable parents for most of the day
This cannot happen as the courts specifically said that I could be held responsible for such behavior
I am not ever going to allow that to ever happen again
In addition to that Eva was to by her father she is like Pinocchio
That she lies like him and her nose will grow
I was furious
Told them to knock it off
In this home the teaching of lies is understood
And she lives to be that one who can freely talk the truth
Can you imagine
At seven to continue to teach her to lie
Never going to happen

So this be a very interesting day
She already is worried she will not be able to call me
I told her to let them know if they don’t they won’t have the chance to see her anymore
And that I won’t be sleeping
So if she wants to call me I am home

This is what I mean when I say the mental challenges I am faced with

So I have prayed meditated and while she is gone will try and do a few projects around the house
As for my twenty year old
Who knows
To be continued

Hoping my depression will be lifted
Me