But the thought comes and goes
I hang in for what dear life
I live to raise my grandchild
As my body is failing me
I came to the conclusion I am qualified on so many levels
Why I wondered
Then it dawned on me
Am I being as I go through this life and all I have experienced so to give it away
Am I Heavenly Fathers helper
It is a lonely place to be
I have my Heavenly Father
my dignity
my self respect
I go through so much alone
Having cry every single day in sadness
aloneness
You may wonder
But she talks of Heavenly Father
I do
Even in the lonely life for me has to be for a reason
I look at the world around me
Being who I am
Standing my ground
Not getting involved with evilness
Something that goes on like turning the light switch off to on
And if your not part of that evilness your an outsider
You don’t belong
And that’s okay
I’d rather be on this side of the fence
So much pain so much sadness and the happiness short lived
I give what I know away
Just like my sobriety
I say to myself how can this body go through so much
I keep it to myself
I am told I look awesome
And I wonder to myself
How am I supposed to look
I hurts to wash my hair but I do
The lipstick I’m never without I struggle to put on as the hairs above my lip is getting thicker as time goes on I must trim it so so my lipstick doesn’t get caught in it
Why not wax it you may ask yourself
Never did
Never will
I bleach it
I shower
Wash my hair
I make myself smell good
My granddaughter loves to smell me and use my perfume I mix myself
I put myself in clean clothes
I have come to learn
I make things look easy and it’s not
It hurts
It hurts to put my foot down on the floor and stand
Yet I put one foot in front of the other
How am I supposed to look
Disheveled
Smelly
Greasy
Never
Never
Four children I have
They think because I do
I’m just fine
Well there are days I’m not
Days I hurt so badly mentally and physically
Most importantly spiritually
We all know what fine means
But make no mistake even in the times I need help most it isn’t seen or understood and that’s makes me very sad
Very sad as much as I too have to treat my children like a drink or drug hurts
but I must
So I put it off for another day
And keep putting one foot in front of the other
As that day will come
Not at my hand
I have much pain healing
There is a little girl who still seeks a mother that still lives
But her life is and always has been
Regretting having us girls
And not knowing her grandchildren or her great granddaughter
It’s that little girl that’s been abandoned remembering at the age of two
Heavenly Father knows all
Right
We are given promises should we believe
I believe