The sadness in such magnitude
A brilliant man
Brilliant
Suffering
Depression
Bipolar and addiction
I just cry out
All of my family have mental disabilities
Disorders what ever you want to call it
Having time to talk to him alone
He too suffers the sense of doom
As he wake and the mind and body it becomes a physical entity
Invades the mind and body
DOOM
like the feeling this is it it’s never going to get any better
Ever
I tell him I so understand
The battles of not masking the depression
That could be so much easier
But so much to loose on every level
I cry talking to him
Finding him up crying a three in the morning
It’s is such a helpless feeling
Feelings
Just feelings that can take one out
I say to him
I wonder when I’m at that point
What was my father going through that he didn’t want to live anymore and blew himself away
Just like that
Gone at 47
I tell him if I go through what I do and it is so overwhelming
So overwhelming and I stick it out in a 24 hour day I pray my children can do the same
It isn’t easy it is the hardest thing to have to do and on top of that a body rotting along so quickly
I do not think I will live much longer than the norm
So much pain and suffering
All over this body
I can hardly hold on to the phone and write this the tingling doesn’t feel good it hurts
So with that said
Must get my angel ready for school
The one thing that give me utter absolute purpose
Ironic how she came into my care when I had my failed spine surgery
I stepped up
And no help to be had
All because I make it look so easy
If the could just feel what this body feels for 1 hour
Just one when at it’s worse
But
It is what it is
What will be will be
Me