A bit of an old mischief . My primary doctor was the one my insurance wanted to sign off on my getting a baclofen pump, for whatever reason they didn’t want to hear the neurologist suggesting it . Anyways, my primary at the time was somewhat skeptical, of course she wasn’t the one treating the spasms or even feeling them or testing my reflexes and such. She would question the amount of muscle relaxers I took and I would always explain that EVERY muscle in my body spasmed.

So during one visit she noted that I had not had a Pap smear done in some time. I explained that the first and last one I had ended with my having a bladder infection and yeast infection that took almost a month to recover from, i have never had any irregularities to my cycles, neither I nor my partner slept around ever in our lives both of us only having been with virgins prior to each other and zero family history of cancer. Basically if it’s not broke why break it with foreign objects in places they don’t belong?

She assured me I would not have the same problem again, everything would be sterile one time use, and given my vast number of allergies even the lubricant would be a water-based free of latex, silicone, petroleum, parabens and SLS. But please, please let me check you even if it’s just the once, she had lost too many patients who didn’t feel the need to get checked.

Fine, so I scheduled one, with great apprehension but figured okay, I’ll flush before hand with plenty of cranberry juice and yogurt, and continue to do so afterwards and maybe just maybe I won’t be sick as a dog for a month afterwards. I go in for the appointment and she asks if I have ever been pregnant before including miscarriages. Nope, and asks if I’m sexually active. I explain that yes I am, married after all, but since intercourse is painful for me it’s not frequent.

So she asks about the pain with intercourse obviously thinking I’m speaking of pain in my v, I tell her no, it’s painful in that if I achieve orgasm I end up with a sprained ankle, knee, hip, wrist, pinched nerve in my neck, shoulder, back and so on. She kind of laughed and asked what kind of sex my DH and I are into, and laughing I told her, no that’s just good old fashion missionary, haven’t gotten to enjoy any kind of kink since before we were even married.

So she decided to go with the smallest duckbill, still thinking I was exaggerating about sex having sent me to the ER on more than one occasion. So she gets it inserted and turns to get her instruments when we hear an echoing “Snap”. She turns back around and sees the poor tiny duckbill broken snapped in half with its plastic cracked. She was shocked, had never seen that before, but thinks well maybe it was defective. So she removes it and inserts another one, halfway through her exam, Snap, again. Only this time she was able to see the muscles contract and crush the poor thing.

I just started laughing as I told her, see! EVERY muscle in my body spasms, terribly. She then asks me, when I would like to get my bacofen pump, and being a bit cheeky asks if sex has sent my poor husband to the ER as well. Still chuckling I told her yes actually once with a bruised p, but afterwards we knew what it was and how to treat it at home. By weeks end the specialist for my baclofen pump was calling to arrange my trial.

And I have to say since getting it all set sex hasn’t sent either of us to the ER nor required home treatment and my DH and I finally get to enjoy a “honeymoon” period 18 years after saying “I do”