Dear Blue. I know how grief also makes you physically ill. It's like our souls' pant, and heaviness is continual. The guilt is false guilt, and try to dismiss it.
I know how bad it can hurt, and sometimes you can't tell if it is emotional, or physical. Some times I believe its both. Sometimes we find ourselves taking sudden gasps of air and things like that. I'm glad that you came back to us, but I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. BF