My mum passed away from lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. I took care of her (and my little brother) before and after school, and on weekends. Before that, we were close, but not close. She was a wonderful woman, but not a good mother. We grew very close while I was taking care of her though.

I was able to ask her difficult questions, and to get closure before she passed away, which I'm sure made things easier on me than you... but when she was gone, the hospital bed was no longer in the living room, and I actually had free time, I was in shock.

My mother was a teacher at my high school, so during my senior year (she passed away the summer before), there were reminders of her everywhere, and the other teachers may have thought they were being helpful by talking about her to me all the time, but they weren't. I'm BPI, but I was deeply depressed most of the time, and started drinking a lot, which obviously numbs things, and that became a problem for me, especially as I accumulated more unrelated problems.

I never stopped thinking of her, but he thoughts became less frequent, and they slowly and silently changed. Over time, I started to think more about happy things/memories and could smile and laugh more about them. I think that's the stage of grief known as acceptance. I would say that it took me a couple of years to get to that point.

I can totally understand how you may feel about your mother not being with you when you reach those major milestones in life like getting married and having children, since I was so young when my mother passed away. She did not get to see me graduate from high school...
I know it can be a scary proposition to think about the future, and going forward with things like, that without your mother's presence and support, but it sounds like she was a great lady, and I'm sure she would want those things for you. You are still young (you're 2 yrs younger than me)

I can feel your pain when I read your posts. I wish I could take that pain away from you. I know that you will start healing, tho it may be slow. Please try to be open to it, however hard that is (((((HUGS)))))