I am not suicidal. But I know that, given the choice, if I could leave peacefully I would accept a choice to no longer live. I have been in chronic pain for 11 years. It came on very suddenly and ended my life as the person I strove to be. I lost my Mobility MyHealth my family. I have neuropathy that is small fiber and not treatable except by pain medications. Which I despise beyond all belief. But if I did not have them I would actively take my life my pain is so bad. Even with them I am bedridden unable to care for myself or my children or to go play with my animals. I am tired of crying in bed 4 to 5 days a week from the pain. During this time of year I am in a level 8 to 10 4 to 5 days a week. I cannot do anything besides watch TV. I do not have a life. I cannot go out. I cannot have an active life with my children. Having been a stay-at-home mom now I see them but a couple of days a month. I don't want to be this way. I attended this forum consistently when I was first diagnosed. But since then life has just gotten worse and I feel tremendously guilty even bringing it up. I do not want to call suicide prevention is that is not my issue. I have one friend who is also disabled and she provides me with a meal each night. But I cannot rely on her as much as I need help. I am verbally abused by my ex-husband on a regular basis in front of my children. He has alienated my two oldest children from me. My two youngest have very deep-seated issues aligning from my illness and their and my relationship with their father. My youngest is terrified of pain and getting the condition that I have. Ganglioneuritis or ganglionitis. Fibromyalgia. Severe autonomic issues and a plethora of other health issues. My middle daughter has become an emotional brick/wall from all of the upheaval in her life. Both girls have a very strenuous. And imo dysfunctional relationship with their father but do not acknowledge very much of it. My youngest cannot well actually my middle girl as well cannot handle their emotions. Also my youngest is very much a caretaker. She has not really ever known life without me being disabled. She is also very high energy and maintenance. Where is my middle daughter is extremely in dependent and closed off. That said I feel we have is close of a relationship as we can given the circumstances. I try to fight or their rights with the father but he will not acknowledge me and I have no legal rights. I am trying to go to court to change this we'll see what happens. Back to why I'm primarily here. I live minimally. I sleep when I'm not in pain I eat 2 meals a day. I go to the bathroom and go out with my dog for her to go to the bathroom. That is it. I have no life. And don't know how I can endure the rest of my life however long or short it may be. I am a total failure in every respect of life. Some may say I am feeling sorry for myself. And I do think I do that but I have nobody else to feel sorry for me. Nobody to tell me it's okay to feel this way. Nobody to tell me fix it. Nobody to be there for me. Comfort me. Care for me. I already put too much on my girls it can't face doing more. My pain has increased as it always does this time of year but it is extremely high this year. It has placed me in this mood. I know antidepressants will not work. I have tried them throughout my life and all they do is lower the thresholds at either end of the emotional spectrum. But do not help the issue. I would enjoy psychotherapy but I cannot afford it and I cannot also Drive. I'm sorry to put this out there it is another failure to me. But I just don't know what to do. I am not scared of death. I am scared of dying. But as I said I dream of it many days a week.