Okay I have to get this off my chest so I'm going to talk to you. I'm a bad mom. I called Monday night to confirm with my oldest daughter sorry my middle daughter that she was coming to visit for 2 days. She said that she wanted to just do one day . She's 16 and because I'm disabled we are not able to do anything but watch TV and talk alot when they come to visit. It is terrible it makes me miserable. But I know they love me and so they make the visits. I only get to see my middle daughter though about once a month because she has a wonderfully active schedule. Which I fully support. But I snapped at her when she wanted just a one day visit. I was hurt by that. that I am so low on her priority list which is so completely normal for a 16 year old and what they're supposed to be doing. But at the same time I struggle with missing their lives. I cannot go see their events. They're both very busy and wonderfully attending many after school activities. And teenagers are supposed to grow away from you. But it hurts so much to not be regular mom. I knew snapping at her was wrong. So we left the phone call saying we would meet to have her come over. But this morning I called and very nicely explained I was in too much pain to have her visit right now and told her I loved her and to have a good Easter weekend. And I know that I left her feeling guilty last night but this morning I did the right thing and she felt okay. But I feel miserable with this instability with my emotions has gone far enough. I've decided I'm going to try and do antidepressants so that my lows aren't so low. The problem is antidepressants repress all feelings including joy and love and happiness. And I need those positive feelings so badly right now. My pain has been so bad this year so much worse than it is ever been. I need something good. I need need need my children. But they have zero need for me. At least my middle. My youngest calls when she's out doing a chore and all alone. At least she calls me some. I truly do not have anyone. And I have wanted so badly to make new friends so I can find support but I do not leave my house. I have tried various online Outlets but every site I have tried doesn't seem to have very many people on it. Even this site has substantially changed from what it was when I tried it years ago. I really need therapy so I have someone to talk to but even that wouldn't be the support and care that I need. I am almost 50 this is ridiculous I should be a grown up good not need people. The problem is I went through my whole life independent. Growing up with a mother who is cold and remote and emotionally manipulative left me independent at a very young age. So I've never ever had close friends. When I got sick I really distance myself from society and lost my social friends. Then with my divorce my ex-husband told the rest people that I talked to that I was a drug addict and an alcoholic. Completely untrue but now I feel like a pariah when I go anywhere in the town we lived together in. I no longer live there. But I'm in a a place where I cannot get out to make friends. To find people that would support and listen to me. Well I hope this helps my day I hope it makes me feel better. And I hope that someone could understand what I'm going through