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Originally Posted by CRPSinSC
Hi Adelina: I sometimes listen to books on audible....or audio....many can be rented from the library....it helps on those lonely days when I am in my head too much. I get into the books/stories and often get lost for a good long time. I don't leave my house often, either, so I know a lot about what you are going through. It worries me for you and for your kids when you say you "need need need" them.....because they are so young and still developing, and for children, that may be very hard.
Human being contact is so important to all of us. My husband is with me still, and we do ok together, but having issues like we do can be a struggle. One thing I've recently learned some about is the connection between pain and the brain (emotional/cognitive connection). I mention this, because just learning this helped me make more sense of all of my emotions that can sometimes get rather raw. I have been able to redirect my focus and my thinking (when done intentionally) which is helping me. I am more positive and less hard on myself for my reality. I have been through a lot of stages with my issues, and as it has progressed and gotten worse, I have had to work hard to accept my circumstances without getting hopeless....and negative. I really do enjoy all of the books and as much as I can, I do get outside and even further when able.
Perhaps you could seek resources to enable you home health care...I know there are, at least in some places, resources for the elderly and shut in.....some light house work and company for them, at no charge to them. Maybe this would get you some human contact?
I wish I had more, but I can't think of anything further at this time.
I will say that I come on to the group here as I can. I post pretty much every time, so you can see that my visits are like once a week or so.....I suspect others are visiting with more or less the same frequency.
Oh, I thought of one other thing. Back when I was 26 (I am 52 now), I was single and bored a lot and would go online in the evenings and play card games with others. I enjoyed that at the time and it cut the loneliness some, too.
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Thank you CRPS. You are very helpful and I really appreciate you listening and offering advice. I like your idea about audiobooks. I do that with watching movies. I'm not sure I would be able to get out of my mind enough without visual stimulation from the TV. But I've never tried audiobooks and am interested. I also like your thoughts on the cognitive emotional relationship. I will definitely look into that because it sounds like something that might be very applicative to me. Thanks for the suggestion. It sounds like you've gone through a lot of this and you do give me something to look forward to in possibly be inspired by . I am actually pretty aware of how negative and how emotionally demanding I can be and the consequences that it has on the very few people I have interaction with. I am certain that this contributed largely to my divorce. I became emotionally overwhelmed and confused with my disability. And it contributed to my relationship downfall. I am a very in my head person. Which is why I'm driving myself crazy hahaha. It's just that I look at facts. The facts of my life are very very very dismal. I truly have 99% of my life is either neutral or negative. With neutral being the larger percentage. Because my interaction with my children is so little I I don't have anything else to be positive about. Actually I take that back I do have my pets in when I'm not feeling terrible I do appreciate them. And I do have my friend and her husband that do help me quite significantly. And when I'm not in terrible pain I am so grateful for those things. Very grateful. When I'm not in terrible pain I find the smallest things to be grateful for. I try to be positive. The problem is is this time right now when my pain is so so severe. I have no energy and am exhausted and serious pain. When I'm in this condition I cannot be positive. One thing that is something I'm interested is it I did find that there is possibly a new treatment for my condition. It's actually something I've looked into before but wasn't confident worth trying. It's one of those electrical stimulators. I found a couple of articles that actually said it might work for my specific condition. The problem is the pain is so great that I cannot function most days. I would have to look and to finding some resource for it a place to do it. And I'm in so much pain I can't even think. Today I'm doing okay my paint has been around a level 6 I could have done it today but I let my depression control me I've let it make me hopeless. But just talking right now about it makes me feel better so maybe I will find Hope and make the calls I need to about the implant. And thank you for that you have given me an outlet by listening to me and I really appreciate it.
And you are so so so right when it comes to the fact that I need my children or feel that I need need need them. It is wrong to put that sort of pressure and dysfunction on my children and I am very well aware of it and feel horrible about it. It's just that they are only the only people that I interact with. So it accidentally comes out sometimes. Most of the time it doesn't. And when it's worse is when I am in severe pain and feeling so so low hopeless and lonely. I do not qualify for home health aide in my area. Unfortunately I am on the cusp of poverty and survival in my income bracket in my area. I'm not doing very well financially but not low enough to qualify for help. And I have also tried various games online that have social interactions. But the problem I have found out with that is that I have so much Shame about my dysfunction did I can't reach out anymore I don't want to put that kind of burden on people I feel terribly guilty about it. I guess that's why I finally reached out on this site because it has helped me in the past where is nothing else has. That's why I wish I could find a mentor a therapist that acts as an Advocate as well. I honestly need a mother. I have tried the mother myself and at a few instances I've been able to do that. It's just that I want people in my life again. But then I have that quandary about how awful a person I am. It's like I'm of two minds I'm an awful person and I'm a decent person. And I know I can be both but when I think of the awful person I can be I don't want to have people to have to deal with that person I'm so horrible that my own mother hasn't disowned me my ex-husband walked out my two oldest children won't talk to me. Deep inside I know each of these things I'm not entirely my fault. Each of those people has their own dysfunction. My two oldest children are adopted and have serious problems with connecting with people. With the help of my ex-husband they have been alienated from me. And my ex-husband and my mother are both dysfunctional I can see their problems and feel sorry for them. I don't blame any of them for my situation I am completely responsible for myself. And I'm really realizing that I am blabbering on and I'm sorry. It does feel good to let it out but I'm going to go now and thank you very much for listening to this. Hey maybe I should start a podcast hahaha