To Bob - Happy 50th and keep the faith!

To Ann - Thanks. I thought more than twice about posting it, mostly because I didn't want to leave anyone with the impression that Parkinson's and the despair it brings is as easy to conquer as looking in the mirror and saying "Buck up!"

Nothing could be further than the truth. But what I described is what has happened to me. I think you are right - I invested so much energy in getting my daughter out of the door and on her way that there has been little left to put into my own well-being; I spent no energy on masking my depression or Parkinson's in order for her to feel falsely better about my condition. She witnessed what chronic illness, especially depression, can do to a person. In a way, she saved me. No matter how dark things got, there was always enough light shed by her presence and purpose in my life.

I literally had not thought a day past her departure until the last few months. Then that day came and went and the world didn't cave. In my mind it was like Magellan sailing around the world - no need to plan beyond the known horizon because the end could come at any time. I lived in fear that I wouldn't be there for her when she was still at home. But as this year progressed, it slowly dawned on me that there might be life after Elizabeth.

I scheduled two appointments in April with my neuropsychologist who I hadn't seen in a couple of years. They were the best therapy sessions I ever had because after I poured out my fears, guilt and woe, we spent the balance of the time laughing and talking politics. I have those kinds of conversations with my friends and others all of the time. But the talks I had with my doctor were different, kind of an official diagnosis of "you're alright." It left me feeling normal and engaged in the world. I wanted to have fun again; I wanted to be me, and started to wonder why I couldn't, and I had all of those blank calendar pages - maybe I could begin to fill them in, and then just deal with it if Parkinson's interferes with my plans in some way.

Save for Parkinson's and depression, I'm lucky (knock on wood) to be otherwise healthy; I do not suffer from pain; my meds have my symptoms mostly under control; and I have reduced the stress in my life significantly by trading my job and salary for the penurious luxury of SSDI. (I'm with Paula on the deadly impact of stress.) I have no money, but I also have no debt, and with Medicare, I now have health insurance for the first time in four years. I don't have the pressure of having to be somewhere on time everyday, nor the anxiety of the commute to get there. I can nap when I want to, and I have only myself to pick up after.

The very real spectre of depression is the wild card. I may no longer fear dropping off the edge at the end of the world, but I gotta watch out for those stray typhoons! Depression is more deadly than Parkinson's.

Bottom line: cautious optimism.