Had to post. I'm in terrible terrible pain. Having a hard time eating can't move hands arms back and forth to feed myself. Was in really bad pain took Max of medications it's beginning to feel a little bit better then I ate a salad. I have a very hard time eating salads because of the repetitious movement. I primarily eat protein bars so there's not a lot of movement. But I have to eat salads because I have severe digestive problems. I'm just asking why why what? What have I done to deserve this? How can I battle it. I used to be a fighter I fought for my life since I remember. But I have no way to fight this pain. It's exhausting I slept for 12 hours last night. My pain just drags my body down. I can't sit up straight or walk around without making the pain worse. So I recline in bed which causes neck problems which causes migraines. If I lie all the way down I don't necessarily get the migraines but sometimes you do. I'm just tired. And hurting so much looking for something to feel better. so I don't know I don't know what I feel other than bleak. I'm not thinking about being dead today which I am grateful for. But I am thinking about my children. I haven't seen my middle daughter in over 5 weeks. I had hoped to see her this weekend but she has an event. She wants me to come to the vent but it lasts for hours and would require me to sit on Stadium benches. Which I can't do in this much pain. I am hopeful that maybe I won't be in pain that day or well of course I will be in pain but not this severe pain. But then I have to hope that my friend can take me down there. Which makes me a burden on her. I know I'm rambling. But this does make me feel emotionally better when I can get it out to someone and not just go over it again and again and again in my mind. I am sorry to take up people's time. But I'm hoping that those familiar with me read. And those has have red and not interested disregard. Because I really really really need an outlet. Without burdening my friends well the few I have. Currently I only talked with one friend and I don't want to overburden her. I have a couple of other online people I could talk to but feel bad doing that to them because all I ever have is a need for people to listen or in pain or boring or negative things to talk about. This makes me guilty feel guilty because friends are supposed to support each other which I did that but don't have anything but negative stuff about myself. That makes it difficult for me to share that stuff with people that I know because most people I have found out absolutely do not want to hear unhappiness from somebody over and over again. Thank you I feel a little bit better