Adelina: Im just gonna give you my opinion.....I was once told that all another needed to do was hear me out....not take my advice.....so my asking you to hear me out and then make your own decision, I think will be ok....and I hope you do, too.
I have been keeping up with your posts and actually think of you even when I am not on this forum. I am worried and concerned for your mental health. You are NOT crazy, not at all, and that is NOT what I am saying. You are like some of us here on this forum, who are battling with such severe physical pain that it astonishes the mind. I know with my own pain issues that I sometimes refer to them as inhumane, because there is so much intensity to it, and I can't put it down and pick it back up again when I'm in a better state of mind. I have to attempt to function with it, and the smallest things, like keeping myself bathed and groomed and cooking some dinner and earning a little bit of money (I, so far, have not elected to collect disability, but it's impossible and my situation is not really good). All of that said, food and grooming are basic daily requirements and they absolutely overwhelm me often, because all that movement can throw me under the bus, even with medications and all the extra "stuff" I attempt. That said, I have to work hard to keep my perspective and frame of mind healthy and positive, and at times, I've not done well with that particular battle, and had to seek resources outside myself to help me get a handle on that. From what I'm reading here, I believe you may be in that place I can get to, and may benefit from talking to therapists. I also know there are doctors/therapists that specialize in working with patients who have extreme pain issues. I tried one here in my area, and our personalities did not match, so I didn't continue, and instead went with another, but I would not be opposed to seeking one of those specialists again should I find that I was not functioning well again. There is no judgment or criticism when your life is taken over by something you have no control of, and you don't get to enjoy what you used to, and even realize that you may have damaged the life you could have had in your reaction to what was going on with you. All of that, cumulative, is overwhelming to process inside your own head, and with only your perspective to depend on. I know that you're looking for feedback from us, your friends, here in a forum where many of us can readily relate to what you are going through, but having a person who is professionally trained to help you see what you cannot from your limited viewpoint could be invaluable for you.
Please consider reaching out to the professionals in your area. These issues and hurtful things (emotionally and physically) you are dealing with could get shined up with a new perspective and set of goals you and a specialist could work on together, and you might just find the answers you are seeking within yourself, and by and through guidance of someone trained to help you "see it.".....I will remember you in prayer, too!