Quote:
Originally Posted by SDFencer
OK, short story, in the last 12 years I have had 2 surgeries for brain surgery, 5 strokes, 5 seizures, lumbar and cervical spine fusion. At the present time I am slowly but surely losing my ability to walk. I fall with alarming frequency. The last surgery was to help me move back to a cane and not forward to a chair. (I use a walker now.) Come join the pity party.
We can’t figure out the falling. I can be standing there and suddenly flop right over. No pain, no dizziness. I can be walking and my legs give out. I am so tired of falling.
I played Big 10 basketball and then I was on the US Wheelchair Fencing Team. I had to stop fencing when I had my back surgery. I coach basketball now and it tears me apart to watch them play. ( no, I can’t do chair basketball) I miss being active so darn much. I want to cry at a game. I’ve gradually become “that guy” who sits in a chair all day watching Netflix. I can’t volunteer because I can’t stand more than 30 seconds and I can’t use my hands for small tasks. (typing this takes forever.)
When does acceptance start? It has been 12 years. I keep starting to have darker and darker thoughts. But I’m hung up on the way to do it and how they’ll tell my beautiful grandchildren. I have to do it somewhere else so they don’t find/see me.
Telling me that there are people in worse shape than me doesn’t help. I know that and I have empathy for them. But this is Me.
Help
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First off, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do you have someone you can tell about this? It is so important to find emotional support through this. I know that many of us on this forum have been there and are here for you. Don’t give up! Put any emotional energy you may have in finding a support system. Do you go to church or do you have any chronic illness/TBI groups nearby? Reach out to them and let them know. You are worth fighting for.
I thought my life was over. I didn’t know how I could go forward in life with things how they were...couldn’t even imagine, much less believe that I could enjoy life again. However, here I am, having some happy days along with sad ones, and the happy ones help me wait out the sad ones. So my conviction that my life wasn’t over was 100% false. What I’m saying is that you do not KNOW that things will always be this way. You may feel it, but you can’t know it. Realizing this gives a sliver of room for motivation to stick around and wait and see. As you wait, find a way to distract yourself from the waiting. Is there someone you know that could use encouragement? Service of some kind? What’s one thing that could bring you a little bit of joy? Most of all, find support. We are all here for you! DON’T GIVE UP.