I also suffer from intrusive thoughts, Blue. I'm sorry you have to deal with them, too. I try to realize they are not "real" thoughts, then I try not to fight them, and just let them pass (((HUGS)))

It's okay not to have a therapist, but it's also okay to go back when you feel like you need to. I don't know that I'll ever go back. My last one was super-sweet, but so clueless it was frustrating, and every appointment left me agitated.
You never answered our questions about the meds tho. Are you taking any right now?

It's hard to forgive. You don't owe anybody anything.
It's very charitable of you to let your father live with you, but is there any way to get rid of him? It seems like him being there is making you f'ing miserable (((HUGS)))

As far as being old... I'm 38, and if I remember correctly, you are a few years younger than me. You're not a spinster yet