How does a person live without dreams? This morning walking in the grass evoked the strongest memory when I was young and would walk miles through the grass to achieve my dreams. My goals. My reality. As young as 12 I was making my life what I wanted it to be. I had to dream then. Again I ask you how does one live without dreams. I certainly don't know how. I have been 99% confined to my bed for the past week and more. My pain is so relentless but I can't even brush my hair brush my teeth follow the rules when going to the bathroom! I can't have any dreams because I can never never never ever achieve them! Pain rule my life. I miss the simplest of things. I even miss cleaning my house. I live in the filthiest most disgusting house. I used to have beautiful gardens. Now I have pots that are overgrown with grass. My children live Wonderful active lives. I hear their daily stories of actually living. I don't live. I barely exist and it is miserable. No I am not in one of my lowest lows like I have been in the past. I have no desire to end my life or two be done with life. I want life so bad. Even my days with my girls it's not living. We lie in bed and watch TV or play video games. Because I can achieve nothing! I want to be alive. Last week I was having trouble with my internet and the service was coming out. I had to move some boxes so they could reach the internet box easily. My pain was moderate at the time. And I felt that I couldn't ask for help because I felt decent. Though my friends would have scoffed at me and told me they would help any way . I wasn't in agony so I felt I had to do it by myself. NO lI wanted to do it by myself. So I did. And I experienced the worst pain I have ever had. I know I deserved it because I knew it would happen and I did stuff anyways. But I just wanted to be alive. If I pretend to be alive and use my arms then I am in the most suffering pain. Can anyone understand me?????!!! Why do so many people read this post? Are they laughing at me because I'm so weak pathetic? Does anyone commiserate empathize sympathize? I want to hear from you. My dreams have come down to being able to wipe myself after I go to the bathroom and to see my girls. I cant dream about achieving anything anymore because to try to achieved things equals pain. Look I am depressed right now. I am hurting. I come here because I need to get my feelings out otherwise I get to consumed and it's all I think of. I have to get them out I wish I could go to a therapist but I can't have not been able to do that because I cannot drive or even if I could afford one. I have reached out to local churches and not heard back from any of them. I live in a very low socio-economic community. I'll also live in a county with severe drug abuse and it's a parole release site. So there are many many many people that need help. And many are seeking it. I just need somebody to talk to about my physical and emotional pain. Some physical help maintaining my house would be nice. But I really need an outlet for people or a person to listen to me. I have come a long way in accepting my position in life. That doesn't mean I'm still not grieving about it. I was a person who made my life what I wanted it to be everyday for 25 years. What I dreamed of was my reality I made it happen I did things that I loved and had always wanted to do . Then I was hit with this. It took me years to realize I could no longer dream. And that's what's hard now. Can anyone understand this.......

On another note I have realized how severe the abuse has gotten towards my daughters. They were staying with me and in the evening my ex called and started screaming to my youngest over the phone. And I'm talkin about screaming. I could hear because I was sitting next to her. I absolutely was not eavesdropping. But then he started calling her a f****** liar over and over and over again as she tried to defend herself about something. It had something to do with grades and with the horses. She would try to talk but he would just shout over the top of her voice and kept calling her a an effing liar. She was desperate to try to get him to understand but he would not listen and kept yelling at her I leaned over and held on to her cuz I could tell she was hurt. Finally I could stand it no more and took the phone from her. I asked him to please stop cussing at her in a strong voice not yelling not shouting not mean or demeaning. I just said please do not cuss at her. He shouted at me get off the effing phone out of the effing of my life put her back on right now! I said I will I just need you to please stop cussing at her. He continued to just yell at me and cuss at me. I was very very careful to just talk in a very calm neutral voice because I did not want to make him mad more mad. It didn't work finally I gave the phone back and he continued to yell at her and degrade her and demean her. Finally she gave up fighting she was close to tears and then she just got hard. Closed off accepting of the abuse. It was horrifying to listen to and knowing I could not stop it. She finally just accepted everything he said and said yes yes yes it a dull voice. That finally seemed to appease him and he hung up. One minute later he called me knowing I'm with the girls and that we all just sit and watch TV or play games on my bed. I live in a studio and there's no room for other furniture. Besides I enjoy sitting close to my daughters. Anyway, he called me and starts yelling me telling me to stay out of his f****** life! Leave him the f*** alone! And saying both statements over and over and over again. He accused me of eavesdropping. I said I couldn't help but hear because I was sitting next to her and he was so loud on the phone. He said that he knows I'm doing everything I can to get to influence his daughters against him I tried to tell him no I do not. I encourage them to have a good relationship with him and that I just tell them that I don't like certain things that they do or he he does. In the way they talk to each other. He just kept renting on stay the F out of his life and leaving the f--- alone. It was horrifying for the girls to hear that. I finally said I'm hanging up because this is not productive and he said something about how I'm just scared that he's getting to the truth. This makes me think that on the times that he's hanging up on me is when he feels that I'm getting to the truth. I only wanted to hang up because the girls were listening and it was going nowhere conversing with him. He also started telling me to get my effing lawyer and do what I needed to do. I'm really not sure what that meant except that maybe he knows I'm taking him to court. He has a small name in this County and knows many influential people. So I have the feeling that somebody told him. He knows people at the Sheriff's Office and I was trying to have the Sheriff's Office serve him. They did not because they said it was too close to the court date. Now he tells me to get my effing lawyers and do what I need to do. Too much of a coincidence to not think that he knows something. I'm still going forward with the court case but I'm going to try to do a change of venue after this happened. I had a long talk with my daughter's after this all happened. I reassured them that they were safe with me that I won't talk to him about what they say and that they don't have to say they know anything when he or if he asks. We talked about the court representative of them their legal representation representation. The one they had when we were first fighting about custody completely alienated them. As we were talking on this day my youngest daughter broke down or actually shut down. I was talking to her about having to tell people about what was going on and she begs not to have to talk. I told her that she's going to have to talk to someone and that I know that the last person didn't help and made things worse. I think I have mentioned that the girls would tell her stuff and then the representative would talk to my ex and he would tell the representative that the girls were lying and then the representative would talk to the girls about their lying. So as I said my youngest shut down and said in the weakest voice I've ever heard her use why would a grown up not believe a child that young over a parent? That broke my heart. She really and truly believes that another adult that was supposed to be on her side would truly support her as I always have. This was when she was just 7 to 8 years old. Now she's 13 and absolutely Beyond terrified, to the point of shutting down, to talk to any adults about how she feels besides me. Anyways I explained to her that I would work to find a different representative and that she needs to talk to this person to tell them to the truth. I don't want to tell them anything about court because I don't want to be influencing them. But I had to explain to them that they had to talk to someone about what was going on and to tell the truth. My youngest cried and cried but it is shut down Manner. or where she just lies there with tears running down her face. It is so scary knowing that it takes so long with this court stuff and that I am limited on making it happen fast due to my pain. But I am working on it I have a date to meet with lawyer at the self-help center in a week and a half. I am hoping she can give me advice on changing venues and changing legal representation for the girls. I can't afford a lawyer and found out that ones that do pro bono 4 people like me in my position aren't worth trusting. I had three lawyers throughout my fight with my ex. They all expected for my ex to pay at the end of the Court. They all conspired behind my back with my ex because they just wanted things to end. I wanted to fight. Anyway off-topic so now I won't go to a lawyer and I do use the self-help center. I will fight for myself as I did before after I got rid of using bad lawyers.

Okay that's my update on myself and my update with my children. I guess I do have a dream that I am holding onto and can work for. And that is the dream of helping my children by helping the verbal abuse stop at their home. I wanted to call CPS after that night. But I soon realized that if I did that my youngest daughter at least would be taken into foster care. That would be the worst thing right now because she wouldn't even be able to see me or do her activities that she loves and helps keep her sane. If anybody has advice on this subject I would greatly appreciate it.