Hi Mari ~ Yes, that cut deep on soo many levels for me, about my very close friend pulling out at the last minute to take me to my bankruptcy hearing tomorrow. We had planned for months in advance taking me. She wanted to make this a fun outing. We were going to stop off at IHop on the way there and on the way back to take me anywhere I wanted to go. She would be right with me thru the whole procedure. Knowing my difficulties in leaving home (agoraphobia), potential to having sudden panic attacks and high anxiety, she said she wanted to protect me by being there with me. You can imagine how much I really appreciated this. You have no idea how relieved I felt when I heard this. No one has ever looked out for me in this way before. She had become my protector and advocate last two years. After two long years of working on a friendship with her, I think I finally reached a place of feeling safe around her and trusting her. The night before she texted me that "she would not be a part of my bankruptcy experience", which I cannot believe she texted me this message, I finally told her the name of the medication I was recently on and she gasped. She had been after me for awhile wanting to know the name of this particular medication that I was having difficulty adjusting to. She said she had never seen me being psychotic. I assured me being on antipsychotic medicine doesn't mean I am psychotic, it's being used off label to help with Major Depressive Disorder. She just could not get off the idea I was on that class of medicine. Then the very next day, she cancelled my ride. I can't help but think she is now afraid to be with me alone in her car. I have never given her reason to believe this. She did say she never saw me being psychotic before, but now she wonders. I am in her apartment daily to help her navigate her daily needs due to her very limited mobility issues over the past two years. I have basically been her caretaker. There is nothing I would have not done for her. We were very close.

Due to her worsening mobility issues, I have come to believe she is back drinking again, self medicating. Her behaviors are mirroring one who is drinking She has been dry for 12 years and meets weekly with AA in her apartment.

So, with cutting me out for this very important drive to my bankruptcy hearing, currently not being medicated on anything other than Klonopin for anxiety, I have to face the long drive there all by myself and I haven't been away from home that distance last 10 years.

I have done alot of soul searching since reading her text. With all the other behavioral issues recently, I have found myself being significantly triggered by her behaviors. Almost daily she has been ugly towards me, or slurring her words during telephone conversations and suddenly not letting me in her apartment anymore, but meeting me at the crack of the door with a very angry face yelling at me to go away which totally caught me off guard. Lately I have found her tape recorder recording our conversations and asked her why she was doing this and she would only shrug. Once I discovered she was tape recording our get-togethers when we just sat down and chatted, I stopped that and always looked to see if the tape recorder was going on in my presence.

So, not to make this too long, since that text, I felt it was all about me. Now I have forgiven her and realize it is all about her and her reaction to me and I can't control that and am powerless over her. It's about her sobriety and her worsening physical condition and based upon feeling uncomfortable with putting myself in harms way anymore, I decided (with a heavy heart) to end this friendship as it is no longer healthy for me. By acknowledging this, it has released me from feeling victimized and helped calm me down quite a bit.

Even if she gets help and stops drinking, I will not trust her around my emotions anymore. With all the strength it takes to manage my mood disorder, I cannot take on her issues again. I realize my limitations with her and will no longer let her abuse me.
Unfortunately she lives on the floor above me and I run into her alot during the day anyway, so that will be a challenge. Last time she did this to me, she sent me a lengthy letter of apology and said this had to be done to ask for my forgiveness due to one of her 12 Steps she goes thru and her AA group helped her with that. I hope she doesn't send me another one of those letters asking me to actively forgive her.

Thank you for your help with learning how to do a "rapid reply" and listening to this long lament.

Blue