Hi Donna ~ I had the opportunity to tell the sick tenant tonight that I will no longer be pet sitting.

Alert *** May trigger:

It was weird.............. I was standing looking out our community window at the approaching storm when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was the sick tenant (MC), at first I thought I was looking at a ghost. Weird that I thought that initially.

She had no color in her face and when she hugged me, the feel of her body was very warm or warmer than it should be, she appeared to be sweating profusely.

She begged me to take care of her cat when she goes out of town next week for a week. Initially, being caught off guard I said yes, but then later on texted her that I was no longer doing pet sitting. I have not heard back from her yet. I'm sure they (her friends) will put pressure on me to do this but I will stand firm about this and here is why...............

When I went back to my apartment I called my local hotline for help sorting my feelings about this because I have not been sleeping, have had nightmares, jumpy and overly emotional and today I got a migraine which spoke that my emotions are high. As I talked I walked thru the day I stood over her bed as, unaware as I was, she was in the process of committing s/s. I felt soo creeped out just thinking about going back into her home, looking at that bed she laid in while she tried to die. I just could not put myself in a position to do that and to even take her keys too was scary.

Then there is M who will also need her cat looked after as she is driving MC up north to see her relatives. And with the experience with that knife on the counter, I did not want to go thru that again.

Part of me feels sorry for having to break friendships with MC because I liked her and adore her cat. And I am drawn to people in need. But the deciding factor here is that she did not seek help thru a crisis center to evaluate her and the crisis line asked me this evening if she was homicidal as sometimes that goes hand and hand and once I heard that I got the chills. I think if MC went to the hospital and was evaluated and spent time getting stabilized and came home with a plan (not to wait until Fall to see her psych doc and refusing to even call him/her about this), then I might have felt more comfortable in taking care of her cat. But not now................ there are way too many loose ends and unanswered questions too.

I was invited to her home tomorrow for High Tea and I am not going to go.

I feel very bad for her in that when I was s/s and went into the hospital, when I came home I was fired from my job, lost my elected position with a community organization, my pastor asked me not to come back to church and my friends and neighbors would have nothing to do with me. Even my therapist refused to see me after that. It was a very difficult time for me, loosing everything and everyone. So, I do not want to impose that feeling to her and yet, I can't be responsible how she reacts to my drawing away.

I'm just having a difficult time right now adjusting to this experience. Thought I was handling it just fine, but apparently not as feelings came rushing back at me when I saw her again.

So, back to knitting and watching westerns tonight. Tomorrow I see my psych doc.

Take care,

Blue